One chapter might be done
God knows I had some fun
New one has just begun

I’m a sucker for Dua Lipa, this seems like some form of love song though, and for me “end of an era” is a little less about love with someone else and more with myself.

I had therapy today, first time with a new therapist, it went well. I guess time will tell. When I was chatting with her I was talking about all the hardship I’ve gone through over the last year and a half or so. I talked about how my partner leaving me and my dog dying left me vulnerable, in a place where I didn’t feel safe in life. I was the least happy I’d ever been, and I was just trying to avoid feeling anything really.

So far this seems pretty negative, but we’re about to take a positive spin.

I also talked about how recently, I’ve been so thankful for all the hardship I’ve had in life, and without it I probably wouldn’t be who I am. Then I cried, tears of joy?

I realized that I’ve spent so much of my life hating myself, and right now, this version of me, I don’t hate. I realized that I’m not sure I’ve ever known what happiness felt like, but if I had to guess, it’s something about what I’m feeling daily now. I’ve become pleased with who I am. I’m happy to be back at work, and I love my new job.

I’ve always been one of those people who, when things are going good I’m always waiting for the other shoe. What if the other shoe is actually the good one. What if I was actually just miserable for a year and a half and the other shoe dropped, and now I have this job I like, and I like myself, and I’m happy I think.

I never saw the day I would become an optimist, and some days it frustrates me that I’m becoming one because sometimes I just wanna be sad and listen to sad music. Sometimes I wanna be mad and listen to angry music, but it’s like that part of me doesn’t exist anymore.

For example, today I went into work on my day off to make a raspberry syrup because the kitchen has been making it for the bar and it just wasn’t what I wanted. I had the syrup in a bag ready to heat seal and it fell over and spilled all over the floor. 900 grams of raspberries, 1500 grams of water, 1500 grams of sugar was fucking everywhere. Old me would have lost his shit. Today I took a deep breath, cleaned up as much as I could with rags and mopped the rest. Took a walk to the local market, got more raspberries, and remade the syrup, this time without spilling it. I changed the drink it was in a little and it’s a better drink, and I love the syrup.

There’s still things that feel like they’re missing, for me personally, I still want to get out of my comfort zone more, I want to go out more, maybe date more, I’m not sure. I just know that as happy as I am at work, at some point that happiness will level out, and I want to ride this high as long as I can.

‘Cause when I see your face

The sweetest pleasure
I feel like we’re gonna be together

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. What’s your favorite classic cocktail?