What the fuck was I thinking like I was gonna be in a relationship I’m a fucking psycho that’s why I’m good at what I do that’s how I operate I am the best because I didn’t have any of this bullshit I could focus and I could concentrate and I had a routine and I had fucking cell reception I don’t need to provide amusement or enjoyment I don’t need to receive amusement or enjoyment I’m completely fine with that because no amount of good is worth how terrible this feels it’s just a complete waste of fucking time 

If you watched the bear and it didn’t give you anxiety, well fuck you. Just kidding, if you haven’t worked in the service industry at a high level you are both the most unlucky and most lucky person on the planet. It’s controlled chaos, it’s stressful, and sometimes things get dicey, but it’s all worth it for the opportunity to make someone else’s day a little better, even if only for a short time.

So the above writing in bold is Carmy’s monologue at the end of season 2, when he’s locked in the walk-in(something that isn’t possible by the way). Anyways on the heels of a really positive and feel good blog last night, I figured I’d give you the other side of all of those feelings.

It’s no secret that my parents did drugs when I was a kid, and while I’ve decided it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, it did come at a cost. Several costs actually. It gave me anxious attachment issues, and a crippling fear of failure.

When I was real young, like 4 or 5 my dad was a blue collar hard working guy who provided for his family. He made great money, and he worked harder than anyone I knew. Seeing him lose all that to addiction made me feel like I can never work hard enough to feel like I’m safe from catastrophic failure. So I’m a bit of a workaholic. I have a brain that is nonstop when I’m awake, and work sort of occupies that drive to keep busy.

I want a relationship, I want a person to go out to eat with, and go to events with, and do all that couple bullshit with, but hospitality feels like my true love most days.

I had today off and all day I thought about how I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow. I’m really good at what I do, but that’s only for a couple reasons. I’m good at what I do because I have laser focus on what I do, and I’m good at it because I pay attention to other people who are good at it, I watch how they carry themselves, I listen to how they speak, how they think, I analyze all of it.

The definition of fun is to experience amusement or enjoyment. I don’t need that in my life to feel fulfilled, and so that becomes a hard thing, because most people enjoy doing fun shit. What’s fun to me and fun to people my age, or people in general is very different.

My idea of fun is when the first turn of reservations is taking just a little too long and you need those tables for the next wave of reservations, so the moment people are getting up you pounce on the table, wipe it, set linens, glasses, and silverware. Rush to the door to bring the people who had to wait a few minutes even though they had a reservation, and once that second turn is sat down the chaos slows until the third turn.

That rush of being on the edge, the make or break of the night. The make or break of someone really enjoying their night, or really fucking hating you gets me going in the best way possible.

Hospitality is one of those things that can put you on top of the world one day, and make you feel like a waste of space the next. No good things in life feel better than a good service in a restaurant. I arrive a couple hours before service, look at reservations, who’s coming in, who has a birthday, a special occasion, an anniversary and how are we going to absolutely make their night?

When I get to work it’s dim, it’s quiet, I’m the only one there for front of house staff, slowly staff comes in, things get going they ramp up to this packed restaurant, and then at the end of the night, I’m back where I started, alone, closing the space reflecting on what we did right and how we could have done better.

No amount of good beats that feeling, nothing has ever made me feel the way that does. No love, no sex, no crush, no food or drink. Nothing feels that good.

So how do you even explore the idea of a relationship, or spending time not focused on that, when there’s nothing that feels as good?

Well, that’s what I’m trying to learn.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.