Tryna chase a feelin’, but we’ll never feel it
Ridin’ on the last train home
Dyin’ in our sleep, we’re living out a dream
We only make it out alone

I just keep on hopin’ that you call me
You say you wanna see me, but you can’t right now
You never took the time to get to know me
Was scared of losin’ somethin’ that we never found
We’re running out of reasons, but we can’t let go
Yeah, Hollywood is bleeding, but we call it home

I think I’ve been good at being an optimist of late. I feel better about myself, I feel like it suits me better, looks good on me. Tonight I find old self creeping back in, a bit of sadness.

It took me til today to realize it’s over. The suffering that began on October 4th, 2022, Ended on Saturday April 20th, 2024. 564 days. It feels like a life time ago.

To some degree, I think I’ve been chasing a feeling that I’ll never feel again since 2016. I know for certain I’ve been chasing a feeling I won’t feel again since September 2022. I know I’m also chasing a feeling I won’t feel again that stopped the day after Christmas 2022.

Both feelings are similar, they’re feelings of love. I’m not saying I won’t feel love again because I feel love every day, I feel love right now. I also feel profound sadness right now, a sadness that I fear will remain with me until the end of time. In September 2022 I lost the love of someone I thought I’d marry, and to some point I’ve been chasing loving someone ever since. I know it won’t be the same, or feel the same, but I think having someone to love and someone loving me keeps me a bit inspired in life. The other feeling I’m chasing is the love I had from my dog before she got sick. That love I know I’ll never feel again and that’s hard, harder than stone.

This is my first major life change I’ll be doing completely alone. Presley was still here when I became a bartender at Alcove. This is the first big step I’m taking in life without her since 2017 and that carries a weight I can’t put into words. Fuck the fiancé I have friends to celebrate the job with, but dogs feel our energy. The fact that Presley doesn’t get to feel my energy for this new job bums me out. The fact that Presley also doesn’t get to benefit from the big pay day I get with this job bums me out. I’ll be donating plenty of money to the mspca in her name this year.

The last big thing Presley and I shared was when I went from my light blue t-shirt at alcove, to my fancy polo shirt bartenders and servers wore. It seems stupid but it felt really special to get that shirt. I finished training early, and getting that shirt made me feel like part of a team. At rosebud I never felt like a part of the team, and I always say hospitality is a team sport so, when I was able to wear my shirt and apron at Alcove, it was really special to me, I felt like a member of a real team, and we were.

Now I’ll show up to work each day dressed like I care more about myself than the guest, but it’s just for show, just a part of the job. The vest and tie don’t make me feel important, nor would I ever consider myself to be.

When I leave for work on Friday, I won’t get to kiss Presley goodbye, my first solo adventure in a sense. I’ll have her bandanna in my pocket as always.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.