Maybe you don’t understand what I’m going through
It’s only me
What you got to lose?
Make up your mind, tell me
What are you gonna do?
It’s only me
Let it go

I’m at a loss for words, but writing is the only thing that’s going to help me unwind enough to maybe get some sleep.

I had my stage, on the way there I was nervous, felt like I swallowed a bug. I was thinking a lot about when I felt like I operated at my best in the past, I thought about my purpose, how I got here, and I was overcome with emotion.

When I was a kid my parents were heroine addicts, and until today I think a part of me was bitter about that. Why couldn’t I grow up like most of my friends with normal parents? Today that changed.

I called my mom as I drove to the restaurant, and I told her that her doing drugs is the best thing that ever happened to me. I meant it. If my parents didn’t do drugs, I wouldn’t know my purpose in life, my why. Without them completely altering my course, I may be one of those people who’s unsure of their purpose.

I know my purpose. My purpose is to take care of people. To lead and inspire others to want to do the same, and in doing that, make the world a better place.

This got me game time ready, I remembered how I used to dress when I was my best self, and that’s how I dressed. Chino pants, dress shirt, suit vest, tie. Floral tie to be exact, a little flare.

When I first got to the restaurant I was a little lost and just followed the gm around. After about an hour maybe two as business got going, I went. My instincts kicked in, I was seating tables, bussing tables, I got to do my favorite low impact hospitality thing. A gentleman’s linen fell from his lap and he didn’t notice, I replaced it with a fresh one and took the old one away without saying a word. I LOVE those moments. I greeted guests at the host stand, I did everything, poured some wine. The stage went for 6 hours. For 6 hours today, my anxiety was gone, I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

The staff is so kind, we need more staff if anyone needs a job, but they’re kind, they’re ready to learn. Together, we’re going to achieve really great things, and I’m so thankful I get to do that.

Last night and most of today was filled with so much self doubt. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but I took the leap today, and I can’t wait to see where it brings me.

Run away, but we’re running in circles

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.