It’s been a hell of a week, and it’s not over yet. Though each day I sort of try to reflect both on how the day went, and how the bigger picture things are going.
I wouldn’t say I’m “happy” because I’m not sure that’s a feeling I know or understand. I guess I wouldn’t say I’m not happy either, double negative, does that mean I’m happy????
I will tell you that this week I feel fake. Like a liar and a cheat. I’ve gone on 5 job interviews, I have 3 more to go. Some of these jobs, most actually, are the big leagues. The interviews have been great, they’ve been impactful, for me and the person on the other side. I’ve gotten so many compliments on my outlook, and my resume, and blah blah blah.
When I look at the list of places that I’ve narrowed down, I feel full of shit. Like I’m not up to their standards, I don’t deserve to work at them, or I don’t deserve the money they’re offering. Whatever it is.
On Sunday, I’ve been doing this for 10 years. That feels like a big milestone when you’re only 28.
When I look back on the last 10 years I can’t believe what I’ve accomplished, and it often doesn’t feel real.
As I look at the next 10 years I look at what I want to accomplish, and again it doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel like things I’m good enough to do, or things I deserve.
I’m not sure how to face this feeling of being a fake, but as I look at these next opportunities, I think about what makes the most sense for right now, and what is going to lead me to the place I want to be.
Not feeling of value or not seeing your value is a strange thing to cope with. I know I’m a good bartender and I’m passionate about taking care of people, and to some degree I try to make the bartending part a bit of an art, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m capable of more than that.
I love bartending, I always have(even on the worst days) and always will, But I don’t want to be a bartender for my entire career. If I’m lucky enough to live to be 70+ years old I’d fucking really hate to say I bartended for 52 years. Hospitality for 52 years is fine but something more impactful. I guess I’m not sure I have what it takes to make the impact I hope to.
I know two things as of right now:
I’m hoping in my next role I can find some level of work life balance.
And I’ve got my eye on a woman.
Nearly have everything.
Oh, what’s the use?
Oh, please, I bet everybody here is fake happy too
Where the skies are gold not gray,
J.
Where The Skies Are Gold Not Gray 
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