And I don’t know just what to do

I’m fine, but feel I’m breaking through
My world’s a honey shade of blue
I’m crying, wish I wasn’t hanging on
But it was coming all along
It was coming all along

At this point I’ll probably write a blog about every damn song on this album because I think it’s almost perfect. Really I should be at Maggie’s show tonight, but I’m a bit stressed about tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the busiest day I’ve had in 9 months. Phone calls, Interviews, Site visits. I’m thankful to have so many opportunities, it’s very humbling, because I don’t feel good enough to work at most of the places, but that was something I faced when I first started at Alcove too.

You know, for 9 months I held on to the idea that I’d return to alcove, and things would resume as they were, which looking at it now, is a bit delusional. I just took 9 months off, a lot changes in 9 months. Hell Alcove has a little sister now, of course it wasn’t going to be the same. This was coming all along.

I think as I got closer and realized that things weren’t going to be how they were, it’s hard to accept, I welcome change in life, but some change I don’t enjoy. Some of the people I worked with at alcove, I want continue to work with. Obviously not an option as they’ve all moved on to different things that make sense for them, but I think when you work in restaurants, you work long hours, and late hours, and as cliche as it sounds you start to become a bit like family. From February-July of last year I saw my coworkers more than anyone in my family, and talked to them more than any friends of family.

When I started at Alcove I didn’t think I was a good enough bartender to work there, and the first couple of weeks really wore me down. It’s funny how you go from feeling like the new guy who everyone hates and everyone thinks is bad at this job, to being friends with people. Someone I consider one of my best friends is also someone I really fucking hated when I started at Alcove. Over time I realized I didn’t hate her, my ego did, and as we learned the quirks we both have with working behind the bar, we became good friends, someone I’m really thankful to be friends with.

I think as I get ready for this new chapter, some of these jobs I’m applying for, I won’t be making new friends. There’s a few restaurant manager jobs I’m interviewing for, and I think being friends with someone and being their boss is a tricky line. It’s a line I’ve seen crossed and it didn’t work out well for the manager. For me I’m not sure I can be your friend and help lead you in a way that’s beneficial to you. The lead bartender role I applied for, sure I could make friends, but I think I’m more focused on trying to make an impact than I am on trying to make friends.

Walking into alcove, I had a lot of respect for most of the people behind that bar, and I really wanted to feel a part of that team, I didn’t think I was good enough to be there, so I was just trying to get approval.

Now I see how alcove has changed, and I don’t need that type of validation anymore. I realized recently that I’m beginning to rely on myself a bit more, and while I’d still love a mentor, I don’t feel like I’m at a place where I NEED one. I think I have some really good people in my corner, and if I’m ever stuck, or second guessing myself, they’re a phone call away, and they have the answers if I don’t.

If someone doesn’t want to mentor me, it’s their loss, because I’ll be the next generation of hospitality behind them, and I’m putting everything I have into making an impact in the industry, safer work place, less tolerance for harassment. I know the couple of people I do view of mentors will look back some day and be really glad they took the chance on me. And the ones that passed on me will be disappointed.

I really didn’t think I’d be letting go of alcove so soon,

But I guess it was coming all along.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.