One of these days, I’m gonna wake up fresh
And wipe all the past from my eyes
Curl up next to you in tall grass, sunshine
And wrap my body’s shape ’round your side

Remember the days we used to ideate
About what we would do all our lives
I’d be a singer and an old bourbon drinker
Oh, and we’d have a band on the side

Oh, I know I was so difficult, but so invincible
Irresistible, but you loved me still
I kept your secrets and stole your weaknesses
In your white T-shirt, but you couldn’t fill
The shoes I laid down for you from the girls that came before
You were all the way in, I was halfway out the door
Oh, you were an animal making your way up the hill
And I was going in for the kill

This album was highly anticipated for me, you’ll either know exactly what I’m talking about or think I’m crazy, but I feel like music has a special way of finding me when I need it the most. This album is no different, and over the last day and a half I’ve had it on repeat, today this song stuck out to me.

I’ve been thinking about dating again, and when I listen to this song, I realize I need to set some realistic expectations about what that looks like.

I think about my most recent relationship, and how despite the fact that it fell on it’s face, I didn’t want to let it go, I didn’t want to let go of the idea of the person I was with, and how I saw that person.

I realized I can’t expect someone else to fill those shoes, and even deeper than that, I don’t want someone who can fill those shoes, because clearly they were the wrong size. The relationship didn’t work so why would I want someone who’s the same? isn’t that just setting myself up for the same heart break in some ways?

I think I’ve reached the period of time where I wake up fresh and wipe all the past away from my eyes. I’ve been for a long time, much longer than I realized, stuck in the past. Not because I miss it, but I live in the past reliving past mistakes and punishing myself by replaying them over and over, but the truth is, making mistakes is really fucking good for you. You don’t learn anything from success, you learn from failure. If I did everything right in life I’d have never learned a lesson.

Lucky for me, I’ve done a lot of shit wrong, and I don’t say that to discredit my value or worth as a person. In fact having done so many things wrong has made me a more valuable person, because I’ve learned from these mistakes, and knowledge often leads to being a better person. Maybe I’ve made so many mistakes because I enjoy learning.

We’ve reached the point in time where, it’s okay to look back at the past, admire the good, remind myself of lessons from the bad, but I can’t live there anymore. I can’t dwell on it anymore, because if I do, the learning and growth is going to stop, and I’ll forever be the guy that never forgave himself.

I can’t control the future, so I can’t live there either.

After 28 years I think I’m finally learning to live in the right now. As cliche as it is, right now is all we have. I don’t know what I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow, I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow, or any other day in the future. I just know how I feel right now, and feelings change, people change, life changes, I think I’m finally ready to learn to change with it. To embrace change, and new things.

I think part of these realization are by choice, and spending time in thought, and part of them are by necessity.

My life is changing. I am getting older(not calling myself old). My career is about to take a new direction, one that I’m unaware of at the moment. Two days ago I thought I was going to have to return to my old job, just to have a job. Today I have interviews or offers from four of the best restaurants in the city. I don’t know which one I’ll take, but I do know I’m a day closer to living my dream life. I’m a day closer to no longer living in the past.

I’m going in for the kill.

where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. I hope these aren’t getting too positive and boring, I’m not sure where this light came from and I’m trying to take advantage of it.