‘Cause people change overnight
Things get strange, but I’m alright
I’m still here and I’m still high

If you told me in early September, 2023, that I’d start a blog later that month, and write 136 passages in 196 days, that I actually share with people, I’d say you’re fucking nuts.

But as I write to you now, passage 136, I can say starting this blog, despite how reluctant I was, was good for me. It was good for us. A lot of the people who read this have reached out at one point or another, to say the writing helps, makes them feel less alone, or just that they enjoy it generally speaking.

I tell myself the writing stinks mostly, I’ve said a couple decent things in 136 different passages, mostly shit though.

This blog has changed me as a person over the last 196 days, a lot of things have, but writing about what I go through, or have gone through, has made me a totally different person. I think this blog has made me feel deeper, which I didn’t know was possible, it also makes me think a bit more critically. When I get lost in thought I go much deeper now than ever before, and sometimes it’s exhausting, but a lot of times it’s healing.

From July 1 until very recently, I didn’t feel myself, hell I didn’t know who I was. That was the product of crippling anxiety, some depression, and the fact that I hadn’t lived without a partner in some time. Today, and the last few days, I’ve been riding a bit of a high, finding myself again. Or maybe finding myself for the first time. I’m slowly discovering who I am, and what I want in life, both personally and professionally, and it’s been a comforting feeling.

From July to now feels like it happened overnight. I guess when you stop leaving the house for a while life still goes on, and time passes without you even realizing.

It feels like I’ve changed overnight. I find myself being a person who despite lacking patience, has more patience with others. Trying to learn others boundaries and respect them, overall just trying to be a light in the life of anyone I have the privilege of speaking with, and being there for.

I guess maybe this is what maturity is? Or maybe this is what happens when you accept and surrender to the idea, that all you want in life, is good things for other people. And I’m slowly realizing no amount of anxiety, or panic, can stop me from helping people find good things in life, and doing all I can to ease the discomfort of the people I care about.

A friend called me nervous about something today, something most people wouldn’t know much about, but oddly enough, I know a little bit about. When you have anxiety or panic attacks, you often have these self doubts. Thoughts that people can’t rely on you, or come to you in a time of need, because sometimes you can’t even show up for yourself. Truth is I have an easier time showing up for others than I do for myself, but I am working on it. So to get a panicked text and know someone was in a situation and thought “I bet Jordan can help” might be the biggest honor, and best feeling I’ve ever felt.

I did notice something through this though. Whenever I’m headed out to run errands or just go be in the world, I always get anxious about having panic attacks and feel like I need to carefully prepare where I’m going how long it’s gonna take, etc. When a friend calls and needs help, the planning, the how long it’s gonna take, or how far I have to go kinda goes out the window, it’s like that thing I said the other day, that when there’s a real problem or real danger, I remain calm and my instincts usually just take over.

I know I’m on my way to a place where I won’t worry about specific routes, how long it’s going to take, or even where I’m going. As time goes, and I go out more, those anxious thoughts become background noise, they fall back to the subconscious and I get to live a normal life again. I’ll be back there, for now..

Things get strange, but I’m alright

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.