I’m coming up slowly
I’m high on emotion
With waves of this feeling
As light as the ocean
And then I see you
When I feel like I’m drowning
And then I see you
It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m alright again
It’s okay, I’m okay, it’s okay

Ok, I know I’ve been writing a lot using Maggie Rogers songs recently, but this one is kind of interesting, at least to me, or if you also have panic attacks.

Today I woke up and decided I’d go to Whole Foods, wanted to grab a few things for baking this weekend. We try to eat pretty clean throughout the week in my house, and on weekends we indulge a little more. Got up, took a shower, got dressed, and got in the car. The moment I got in the car I clocked that I felt a little more on edge than usual but I knew I’d probably be fine.

I took a minute getting settled in the car, plugged my phone in for the CarPlay, so I could listen to music and I like to have the gps on the screen even though I don’t need it. I decided I’d listen to one of my favorite bands, Brutus today. So I put on a song and I start driving, as I’m headed to the main road that’ll take me to Whole Foods I start to feel short of breath. I immediately think to myself “fuck”. I know this feeling all too well, I’m about to have one of my rather troubling panic attacks, about 45 seconds later it hits. The derealization, The tremors, the clammy hands. Now recently I’ve been doing a decently good job staying composed when I have an attack, I’ve been the swan above the water, not beneath it. Not this one. I immediately get this feeling that if I don’t get home right now, not in 5 seconds not in 10 seconds, right now I’m going to die. Panic attacks as awful as they are, aren’t actually dangerous. But our dumb fucking monkey brains tell us otherwise. I flipped a u-turn like I was running from the cops and b-lined it home.

I got about half a block from my house, where I could see my house and I slammed on the brakes. In that moment I realized that if I go home, if I go back inside, the anxiety wins, I’ll be taking one step backwards, and taking those steps forward again will only be harder when I try again. If I go in the house I’ll only reinforce what the anxiety tells me, so I pull over and I start my stop watch. 3 minutes. If I can make it through 3 minutes regardless of what my brain tells me the most uncomfortable part of the attack will be gone, it’s science. After 3 minutes I begin to feel the come down, which includes the shakes, and a wild sense of relief.

I reach this point where I’m not sure what my next move is, so I spent about 15 minutes just driving around my neighborhood, and then I went home. I pulled up and sat there for a few minutes. Again reminding myself that if I go inside, the anxiety wins, and it becomes stronger. So I did the opposite of what I wanted to do. I put the car in drive and headed back towards Whole Foods. Now there are 3 traffic lights between my house and Whole Foods, it’s a 5 minute drive. 1.2 miles. I arrive at the first intersection and again I feel a bit of panic, so I stop at the gas station, I go in and buy the only thing I ever buy here, a can of liquid death. The cold can helps me feel grounded, and the water inside isn’t terrible. I pay and get back in the car. I accept that this is good enough and start driving home again. On the way home I drive by a place called the bird sanctuary. A nice little walking trail through some woods. I pulled into the parking lot and just sat for a minute.

Refusing to accept defeat I start driving towards Whole Foods again, this time I make it to the parking lot. As I pull in the parking lot I feel panic and like I’m stuck, like I’m afraid to drive home, so I’m stuck here. When I was at the bird sanctuary I changed the music to the song “Say It” by Maggie Rogers, it’s a song that makes me feel calm and safe. I usually put it on repeat but forgot and this song came on. As the worst of the panic hit in the Whole Foods parking lot suddenly I felt like the only thing I could hear was Maggies voice.

It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m alright again
It’s okay, I’m okay, it’s okay

I heard that and repeated it back to myself, only to realize, I was ok. I’ve never even listened to this song, but in this moment it pulled me out of the mud. I just kept repeating these words to myself and headed into Whole Foods. Got the things I needed, and left. I got back in the car and knew I needed to listen to this song now that it felt like I could hear again. Sometimes when I have panic attacks it feels like even though I can physically hear, none of the sounds actually sound like anything, it’s like muffled background noise to the voice in my head.

This was a long winded way of saying, I used to have someone who would take me to the space where I felt like I needed someone, who could help me get out of the panic. I lost that person and I’ve had a hard time navigating life without it. Today I became that person for myself, and that’s such a hopeful feeling, to end an otherwise bleak experience.

Take me to the space where I need someone
When I’m shaking or my mind starts coming undone
When I’m on and off again, on and off again
On and off again, you turn me on like

Take me through this wild time
Stay with me through all of time
I’m drenched in madness, dangled blue
Won’t you, won’t you?

Glad you’re here with me.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.