I don’t know where to go from here now,

Something still lingers though,

It’s weighing me down

I know the sun will shine again

Back and forth, it seems we’ll remain until the end.

I had a dream the other night that kind of fucked me up. I actually have a lot of unsettling dreams, they often make it hard to fall asleep at night. I’ve developed a fear of falling asleep because of these dreams. I’d like to be clear that they aren’t nightmares, though I do have the occasional night terror. These are just dreams.

I knew I should have wrote about this dream when I had it because as I try to remember it the details are a tiny bit fuzzy, but I’ll give it my best.

It was about my ex, who I don’t think I’ve dreamt of in over a year. Though last week we did have a short exchange of words, something to do with the sale of the house that happened last year and money that was owed to us. Anyways, In the dream she was opening her own business, a hair salon. She invited me to the grand opening which I immediately saw as strange, even in the dream. I went to the event and when I saw her in person again after all this time I got emotional. I was at the event for all of two minutes, as I left because I got emotional, she chased me out. She asked why I was leaving, she asked for a second chance at us being together. In that dream I told her that after all she did and all the work I had done to work through what had happened, I could never be with her again and left. Then I woke up. For a moment upon waking I was disoriented, felt like I didn’t know where I was, and was overall confused.

My initial thought after I got my bearings was “I thought I’d moved passed this” and then when I thought about the moment I had told her I could never be with her again I realized, I think I have moved passed this. I think in some ways this dream was telling me I now have space for new love in my life. Both an exciting and daunting thought.

Exciting because I’m slowly feeling freed from the past. Daunting because I think one way or another love always ends the same way, with a broken heart. I’m not saying that’s a necessarily bad thing, but some days I’m unsure if I’m up for it. Hell some days I’m unsure if I’m up for carrying on another day.

I think I always thought my persistence and will to not give up was a good thing, and it probably is. The last few days I’m second guessing that though.

My sister and I got into a bit of a tiff the other night, and I said some really rude shit that I didn’t mean. She said some rude shit first, but that doesn’t make me saying rude shit back right. She mocked my mental health, which is without question my biggest insecurity. The thing I’m most ashamed of. So I mocked her biggest insecurity, which is her alcohol intake. By no means is she an alcoholic, but she’s also not the type to just have one drink. She’s been using it to cope with stress for a long time and is working really hard to stop. I’ve been supporting her in that journey and doing what I can to make things feel light and fun even when drinks aren’t going around. I just wish it always felt like she was doing the same for my insecurity.

I was telling my mom about the whole thing. I told her my anxiety and panic attacks are my biggest insecurity. I’m embarrassed by them, I’m ashamed of them. Some days they make me feel less than a man. Some days I worry they’ll stop me from getting to ever experience any sort of life I would consider fulfilling. These are things I never tell anyone. Some days my anxiety and panic brings up suicidal ideation for me in a passive sense. I don’t have some plan to kill myself, nor would I ever do that to the people that love me. I guess it’s less a feeling of not wanting to be alive and more a feeling of not wanting to live this way anymore. Which is why I’ve been working so hard at changing my mindset and my ways. Still anxiety makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed. It makes me feel like I have less value as a person, and like love isn’t an option for me because of it.

Everything I just said above is known as cognitive distortions, if you’ve ever indulged in therapy. Shame is not an emotion, it’s a cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are internal mental biases that make us feel bad about ourselves. The most common ones are shame and guilt. These aren’t emotions, but things we internally tell ourselves that just make the suffering worse. I guess it’s been a whirlwind few days, with a lot of emotions and cognitive distortions that I’m having trouble working through.

Why must everything be a second guess?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.