I never loved you fully in the way I could
I fought the current running just the way you would
And now I’m in the creek
And it’s getting harder
I’m like falling water

There are very few artists whose voice and music can move me to a point where I get the chills. Maggie Rogers is one of those people, and I can’t get enough of her music lately.

The first time I heard this song I knew I’d want to use it as inspiration to write, I just wasn’t sure what the topic would be or how I’d get the words out.

“I never loved you fully in the way I could” was a line that really stood out to me. Tonight I was home alone for a bit and cleaning the kitchen so I was blasting this song and it hit me.

My brother in law’s best friend texted him the other day, he owns a coffee shop and wanted to know if I’d be willing to go down to his cafe during off hours and bake pastry and such for him to serve during business hours. My brother in law didn’t tell me about the text, and when my sister told me about it she said she felt like she shouldn’t tell me. In the moment none of this made sense.

So tonight after listening to this song and realizing how it resonates(don’t worry we’ll get to it) I confronted my brother in law about the text. I sort of just asked about what his friend had said and why he hadn’t told me. He said he hadn’t told me because he wanted to talk to his friend and find out what it is his friend is looking for exactly, and what his expectations are. When he found out that information he would discuss with my sister then decide if he wanted to share more about the opportunity with me.

Now all of this was a bit confusing at first because, next month is my 10 year anniversary in the restaurant industry. I’ve worked as a prep cook, barback, bartender, bar manager, beverage director, assistant general manager, food runner, and like everything in between in the last 10 years. It’s been full of ups and downs but there’s nothing I love more than the hospitality industry.

So why would my brother in law who is a carpenter, has only ever been a carpenter, and has never worked in the service industry decide whether I get this opportunity presented to me or not?

Because of my anxiety and panic disorder. He wants his friend to fully understand my condition before he starts making offers. But how is my brother in law who doesn’t believe in doctors, or therapy, going to explain a condition he knows as close to nothing about as you can?

Me being the over thinker I am, I realized something. I never loved you fully in the way I could is my message to the hospitality industry.

If I didn’t have panic disorder that’s led to agoraphobia, I’d have so much more to offer the world, and the hospitality industry. I wouldn’t be held back by this thing that’s really just in my head.

This realization has been a sad and hopeless moment. Like I could give hospitality everything and I won’t know if it’s enough.

I feel in some ways like I just died and I’m in purgatory seeing what I could have been, all the things I could have accomplished, and experienced, that I never got to because of anxiety.

I’ll continue to try my best, at healing from the demons, and giving my all to the thing I love most, hospitality, but I’ve unlocked a new fear.

A fear that maybe giving it my all still won’t be enough, that maybe as I am, I’m not enough. That I’ll never get to make the impact I hoped to for the future of hospitality professionals. That I’ll continue to get passed by on opportunities because my brain isn’t reliable enough.

This whole time, I’ve been driven by all the things I believed I can do, and I think that belief may be fleeting now, and it’s getting harder.

I’m like falling water.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.