And I walked off an old me

Oh me! Oh my! I thought it was a dream

So it seemed

And now, breathe deep, I’m inhaling

You and I there’s air in-between

I got a bit of a lecture last night, my best friend called me out for a couple things that were in the blog. At the time I defended my words but now that I’ve had a day to reflect I realize she’s right.

She said a part of me sounded like I was trying to prove to other people that I’m a good person, or a good partner in yesterday’s blog.

She said I have nothing to prove, my character speaks for itself, and that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

While she was correct in most of what she had to say, I’m not sure if facts matter in this situation.

I grew up less fortunate than a lot of the people around me, and that always made me feel less than. So I’ve always had this mentality that I’ll show them, I’ll prove everyone who’s ever doubted me wrong.

In a lot of ways that’s not a great attitude to have, and I can see why she was concerned. I can see why she would want me to see my own value, and have grace and compassion for myself, because I have so much for others.

Truth be told I don’t want to have grace and compassion for myself because I feel like it keeps me humble in a sense. It helps remind me who I’d be if I wasn’t who I am. I guess it’s some form of impostor syndrome.

I think to say the things that I’m about to say directly to her would make her feel sorry for me, or pity me. In saying these things I don’t want pity, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry, it’s simply how I feel and hopefully I won’t always feel that way. But for now here it goes..

I feel the need to prove myself to myself, not to anyone else. I don’t care what people think of me, I don’t have a good reputation and truthfully none of that bothers me. I feel the need to prove myself because it’s the only reassurance I get that maybe as a person I have value. Like maybe the world is a better place with me in it. I don’t currently feel that way, and I never have. I don’t feel like a valuable person, or a person worthy of love and happiness. Most days I’m not even interested in happiness. I’m not sure I know what happiness feels like, what I do know is when I work, when I get to take care of other people, and do things for other people, it makes me feel a sense of contentment. The less I do for others and the more time that goes on between the things I do for others the less okay I feel, the less content I feel.

Now I don’t know how I’ll feel about any of these things in the future. I know they are the things that keep me up at night because I wonder if some day things will be different. If some day I’ll feel worthy of love, and kindness, and happiness. Right now I don’t, I’m not sure if it stems from loss, or my childhood, or if I was just born this way. I know love is near me, but I don’t understand why someone would love me, and I don’t understand why love seems to exist in my life.

Love seems to keep near and it’s the only thing that keeps me going on the days when I no longer want to. I spend time trying to think of things I love outside of anything adjacent to what I do for work, I never come up with anything.

Hope is hanging on, by a thread.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.