Anyone who’s been reading this blog since the beginning, or has even read the blog more than once knows that it’s almost always based on thoughts I have from music I listen to. Not tonight. Tonight it’s about a sort of cliche saying that I’m not sure if I believe to be true anymore.

“It’s the thought that counts.”

Is it though?

Maybe at some point in time, people actually felt like it was the thought that counted, but does anyone even think about that anymore? Or have we moved on to a society of grand gestures. A go big or go home mentality.

It’s hard to explain what made me think about this while sparing people, so I won’t.

My ex’s dad still calls and texts me from time to time, usually just around holidays, or a wild news story. He called me today and I missed the call, he usually texts so the fact that he called really stood out to me and I immediately thought the worst things. Turns out he was just calling to say happy st Patricks days and to tell my brother hello… he’s a bit early on one of those.

Anyways, at face value her dad is a bit of a piece of shit, at least most people would see him that way. He was a criminal in the years leading to her birth and the first couple years of her life. Who wasn’t a criminal in the late 80’s early 90’s?

My dad was blowing lines and stealing cars in those days, but he is also a piece of shit at face value.

When I say at face value, I mean, you meet her dad or mine and have a conversation with them and think, Jesus this guy is a scumbag. When you have the whole back story though you realize they’re a victim of circumstance and it doesn’t make what they say or believe less shitty, it just makes a little bit more sense of the shit.

When you have long conversations with her dad or mine, you realize they’re just old white dudes, who sometimes need to be corrected, because their brains developed in a very different time in the world. And as those conversations take shape you realize that, a lot of who they are and what they believe, come from who raised them, just like the rest of us.

I’m terrified of failure and an over ambitious workaholic, because I saw my dad go from being a well respected and successful foreman in the hvac trade, to a heroin addict, in prison or living on the streets. When you see that take place and realize it only took him a couple years to go from owning a home and having a family to stealing everything that wasn’t bolted down to buy drugs you realize life can get away from you quickly.

Anyways my ex hasn’t spoken to her father since we broke up, I’m not sure why as I don’t talk to her so I can’t ask.

Her dad is a bit of a pain in the ass, can be annoying, but means well to the people he loves. For years he helped her with car payments and anything she needed in life. When we bought the house he always came by and was never empty handed, even if it was just a toy for the dog he always brought something.

He puts thought and effort into his relationship with her and he always has. He sends her flowers to work on her birthday and sometimes for no reason. He used to stop by her work and bring all the girls in the salon pastries or something.

He is thoughtful.

So while he can be frustrating, annoying, and a bit nosy, when did that start canceling out the fact that he’s thoughtful.

Why is it not the thought that counts?

Truth be told I think he only stays in touch with me because he now sees, I was the reason he got to stop by the house every sunday and say hello. I was the reason he was at holidays with us. I was the reason we’d go out to dinner.

I think he stays in touch because I remind him of a happy time in his life. Getting to see his daughter buy a home, and have security, and a partner who could fix said home, and take care of said home. His daughter owned a home with someone who was willing to do the more traditional things a “man” does in a home. But I didn’t stop there. I also cooked, I took care of the chickens, I cleaned. Sure it probably gave him peace of mind that if his daughter got a flat tire she no longer needed to call him, because not only can I change a tire, but when I did I’d have her drive my car while I drove hers, just incase I made even the smallest mistake changing that tire, so she would be safe.

To me the thought counts.

I know life isn’t fair, but it’s not fair for him to have to hold on to someone to be a memory of a happier time in his life.

He should be able to be in his daughters life, and see her continue to do well, with her new partner, and her new dog. He deserves to be a part of all of that, because the thought counts to him, and the thought is what should count.

I don’t think thoughts count enough to most people.

It bums me out.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.