I’ve been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they’re rusting
I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could’ve followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don’t quite know what to say

My sister said something to me that really fucking hurt today, and it made me realize a few things.

She said “When Mia left you she told me she felt like she had to or you’d always be stuck in your ways.”

“My ways” being my struggle with anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. Suddenly she agrees with the girl she called a whore and a piece of shit and fake and every other name in the book now that it’s convenient to her.

Let me say something that anyone reading this probably already knows:

These are not my ways, I did not choose this life, but I got it. I don’t want to struggle with agoraphobia and panic disorder. I want to leave the house and go to work, I actually wish I could work 7 days a week, because work is the only thing that brings me any sort of fulfillment. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I’m enough.

I’ve been doing exposure therapy the last few weeks, which is basically going for walks and drives, going to stores, trying to slowly acclimate to life again outside of these four walls. I was feeling okay about things until today. My sister said her and my brother in law are done and I need to go stay somewhere else until I’m better. If I’m working and well I can stay here, otherwise I can’t.

They made that clear a few weeks ago when I started doing the exposure therapy. It’s been hard, and some days are better than others because nothing in life is linear.

This is me trying.

I talked with my therapist today about how I’ve felt uncomfortable here recently, because I know they’re frustrated I’m not progressing in the way they want me to. What is progress to two people who don’t believe in therapy, medication, or doctors?

I’ve always struggled with negative self talk. Today my therapist asked me to say out loud the negative things I say to myself.

I’m not good enough.

I can’t do this.

I’m not strong enough.

I’m not worth it.

I don’t deserve happiness or good things.

I told him how these things are reinforced when I come across a situation like my sister telling me that I can’t stay here the way that I am. Like this version of me isn’t good enough for her, like she doesn’t want this version of me.

No one wants this version of me, and I don’t say that to try to have a big fucking pity party for myself, I mean it. No one wants this version of me. I don’t, my ex didn’t, my sister doesn’t. On my worst days I tell myself my dog got cancer and died because she didn’t want this version of me. That one is a bit delusional.

Even still. New people I meet find out what I’m going through and disappear. I get it, this version is a lot to deal with and so if you have the choice, you’re going to take a hard pass. I’m not mad at anyone for that.

What I’m beginning to feel is if you don’t want this version of me, if I’m not good enough for you now, then the version of me that’s coming doesn’t want anything to do with you.

As I write this today I can tell you this:

I don’t feel like enough, I hate myself, I hate this version of me, I think I’m a loser, and some days I’d like to take my own life(don’t worry those feelings are closely monitored by medical professionals.)

I thought about cutting myself today because I thought maybe it would distract me from the anxiety and panic I was having, and I’ve done it before. Yesterday I picked a scab just to see myself bleed. Things aren’t great.

But I’m trying.

I don’t try my hardest every day, because I’m not in a consistent enough groove to give it 100% every day, but I do try some every day.

And through consistently trying, I’m going to get the results I want. I’ll be back to work. Dining at my favorite restaurants, going on hikes, going to Jiu Jitsu, I’ll be back to the version of me that is enough for everyone around me, that still was never enough for me.

I realized I don’t care about being enough for anyone else, I just want to be enough for me. I want to wake up one day and when I look in the mirror not loathe what looks back at me.

I just wanted you to know,

That this is me trying.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. If you’re reading this thanks for being here, you probably know that in a couple days I’ll be deleting my social media. If you’d like to keep up with the blog either reach out with your phone number, or subscribe below. If I have enough interest I’ll keep going, if not it’ll probably just turn into a personal journal. I love you.