This place is such great motivation
For anyone trying to move
The fuck away from hibernation, yoo-hoo

You ever have one of those chats with someone, where it feels like it’s late at night and it’s just the two of you, and you talk about some of the deeper things life has to offer? Well I just had that with my sister.

We talked about how my brother in law hasn’t been himself since the new puppy came home. How he’s frustrated with me and my struggling to leave the house.

It was interesting, at some point in it my sister said nobody wants me to move out, they just want me going to work and doing normal life things. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I can’t fucking wait to move out. I love her but living with her hasn’t been great on my mental health, and I’m not blaming her for the position I’m in by any means, I’m here because of me, and my decisions, no one else.

Earlier this afternoon I came up to my room to relax for a minute before I started prep for dinner, my sister asked me to make pizza and wings, even though the pizza makes her feel terrible, she only asked me to do it because she knows how much I enjoy doing it, which was kind of her. I was sitting in my bed and I suddenly had this uncomfortable feeling like I didn’t know how I got here, in this physical place. I also remember feeling like I wasn’t home, for a split second home still felt like the home I owned this time last year. I think my brain is trying to process the upcoming year anniversary of Presleys passing and in that I feel out of place.

I realized that me not wanting to live here isn’t necessarily anything to do with my sister, or brother in law. This house just doesn’t feel like home, and I’m not sure what does feel like home. Presley and a house decorated by my ex???

I realized I’d like to leave here as soon as I can and get an apartment of my own so I could create a space that feels like home. Then I started to spiral into what things make me feel at home.

Am I homesick from a place that doesn’t exist?

I don’t know what I would need or do in an apartment that would make it feel like home. I don’t really know what home feels like. This makes me think back to a blog I did months ago about how the best gift you could give yourself is the feeling of home within yourself, one of my better thoughts, and I wrote it well too if I do say so myself.

This homesick feeling is making me feel a bit untethered to my surroundings, a bit like I’m floating in space and time. It’s a really odd and uncomfortable feeling. I wonder if this son of a bitch moon being full has anything to do with it.

I also mentioned to my sister how I felt like deleting my social media would be a nice change of pace, an opportunity to get back into my body and into the physical world instead of spending too much time doom scrolling. I briefly chatted with her about how I think social media is bad for individuals, but how I think it’s even worse for relationships. I told her how I really want my next relationship to feel like a building point, like I can really build a life and plan for the future with the next person I find myself dating, if there is a next person. I said it wasn’t a dealbreaker, but it would be cool if whoever I date next also didn’t have social media. I think a social media-less relationship could be something really special in the year 2024 and beyond. I think the lack of distraction would give you and your partner the opportunity to really connect more, and probably be a lot happier since social media isn’t real anyways.

Hopefully I can find my way home in the mean time.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.