And we will never be alone again
‘Cause it doesn’t happen every day
Kinda counted on you being a friend
Can I give it up or give it away?
Now I thought about what I wanna say
But I never really know where to go
So I chained myself to a friend
‘Cause I know it unlocks like a door

Why do you think it is that some people enter our lives and immediately change our feelings, make us question our decisions and beliefs?

Let me explain.

I met a woman recently, and through a short interaction I find myself thinking about her semi often. It’s this weird thing where even though we only talked for a short time, when we were talking it kinda felt like time stood still, like the weight of the world that I carry every day was just a bit lighter.

I’d be lying if I said this was the first or only time this has happened, but I’m honest in saying it doesn’t happen often, when it does it feels like you’ve been struck by lightning.

It’s a feeling that is both confusing and overwhelming. On one hand the feeling is nice, it makes things feel more hopeful, like maybe life isn’t so bad after all. Unfortunately we live in this bizarre society where if you tell someone what you’re thinking or feeling and you’re fully honest and genuine, it often scares them away. So you’re experiencing this feeling that makes you feel like your most true self, while trying to contain it, not to scare anyone off of who you truly are.

This is why I don’t believe unconditional love can exist between two people. I believe deep, true love can exist, but it comes with conditions. Those conditions are different for everyone, but everyone has the conditions on which the person they love in this moment they would stop loving if said condition was no longer being met. I’m no different.

Earlier this year I went on my first “first date” in over 6 years, while it didn’t lead anywhere, I look back on that day fondly. Regardless of where things were left, the woman I met felt similar to me in some ways, like she wasn’t afraid to hold back, she had no problem being her true self, and knowing that if her true self wasn’t enough for someone else it didn’t matter because it was enough for her. We’ve kept in touch, and she’s one of two kind souls that I’ve met in life that I often look to or think to look to for guidance. These two women both have this thing about them where they seem like they have the secrets to life, and they’re happy to share.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my true self, how I often don’t find myself to be “enough”. I don’t mean enough for another person, but enough for me. I want more from myself, things I can’t give myself at the moment, but hopefully some day will be able to get to a place where I feel enough.

Through a conversation with this woman I interacted with recently I found out she didn’t have social media, and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. Deleted it all and never looked back. I’ve decided I’ll try the same. At the end of this month I’ll deactivate my social media, hopefully for good. I’ve been in denial of my addiction to social media, and I’ve been telling myself I keep it incase I’d like to get in touch with someone whose contact information I don’t have. Well I realized something. If I don’t have your contact information, I’m probably not going to need it at this point in my life, so it’s time to let go of the digital world, and find things worth enjoying in the real one.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.