I recall
The time when you and I would talk a little more
To each other face to face, through love and war
Well I hope there will always be an open door, for me
But I know
That home is just some place I always leave behind
It’s with me everywhere I go and I close my eyes
I know someday I’ll catch you in the by and by, I know
I know

It feels like I write less these days, but when I do write it’s better articulated, comes off the tongue, or off the fingers in this case a little easier. I remember the first time I heard this song in 2014. I was headed to work as a barback at saloon in Davis square. I heard it and before I went in for my shift I went across the street to the tattoo shop and told my artist at the time hey I need these lyrics tattooed on me, it’s for my sister. Now 10 years later I have this tree on my forearm that says “you taught me how to be right in a world gone wrong.” with my sisters birthday on it.

At the end of 6th grade my sister went to court and took guardian-ship of me legally. She moved me to Saugus which at the time I wasn’t stoked on, all my life I had lived in revere and that’s where all my friends were. The summer between 6th and 7th grade I hung out alone, played a lot of xbox. My sister worked a 9-5 and my brother in law at the time was a carpenter so he didn’t get home til 4 or 5 most days. That was the most boring summer of my life, and confusing because I couldn’t really talk to any of my friends. I didn’t have a computer or a cellphone, kinda wild to think about. I ended up getting a cellphone in 7th grade and life has been… well worse off for it.

Anyways

I spent a lot of my formative year under my sisters care, and even though I hated her for it then, she was strict because she didn’t want me to make mistakes she had made. She made this sacrifice so that I could have a better life than she did. She risked her own life and first marriage to give me opportunities she wasn’t given. I can say now that I could never be more grateful. It worked out exactly how it was supposed to. Both good and bad came from moving to Saugus, but some of my favorite people in the world came into my life there, and without them I wouldn’t be who I am, hell I may not even be here without them.

Today when I was chopping wood this song came on shuffle, I usually skip right over it because it makes me emotional. My sister and I have a bit of a strained relationship at the moment so I decided I’d listen to it, in hopes I’d be less upset with her and reminded of all the good she’s done for me. Well I listened, and I’m not upset, but I did realize some things, things that feel scary and bittersweet.

But it ain’t
It ain’t how long you live, it’s how you live your life
Burn bright until the grave don’t shy away from the light
‘Cause I won’t waste my days
I will use my time
My time
My time

I moved in with my sister again after 11 years this past March. I sold my house and decided I’d stay with her a moment while I figured out what was next. I didn’t realize what was next would be a 7 month bout with agoraphobia, that I’m still tangled up with.

Last week I sat down with my sister and brother in law to talk about where I’m at mentally because they feel like I haven’t progressed and that’s a problem for them. Most of the conversation felt like a personal attack. They said things like “this isn’t you” and “you need to get over it”. I paused for a moment and realized that as much as they love me, and they really do love the shit out of me, that love is conditional. That love is only received on the condition I’m doing well mentally, back to work, doing all the normal life things. If I’m not doing those things there’s no love to give.

It actually made me text my ex for the first time in almost a year. See in the 6 years we were together, I had two bouts with agoraphobia. During each, never once did she love me less, give up on me, make me feel less than, or give me a hard time. She supported me, she encouraged me, and she loved me anyways. She never let me see how hard it was for her, never showed frustration or weakness, she stayed strong for me and for her. I texted her to let her know that while I didn’t see it then, as we often don’t, I see it now. I didn’t want a redo or anything like that, I just wanted her to know how thankful I truly was for what she did, and how she did it. Her being the kind hearted person she is, she encouraged me just like she used to. “I’m always here, focus on the little things, they’re what help you get to your best.”

Despite the fact that things ended bitterly between us, at least for me, she still showed up for me. That’s love.

It made me realize, I got this, I did it before, I’m gonna do it again, and with that I start to look at big picture things. Like moving. Some days I just want to move out of my sisters house, other days I want to move away from here. Boston is home, and it always will be, but just because you live somewhere else doesn’t change that, it doesn’t change anything. Boston isn’t going anywhere, so if I leave and get homesick, it’ll always be here for me.

At first I thought about moving west, California. California is over priced and almost out of water, so maybe not my best idea.

I want to open a restaurant though, and to do that, I’d like to work with the right people. At first that meant moving to the bay area to be with Tom, my first real mentor, and the guy who made me see what hospitality is, and what it can be. Now it looks like moving to Vermont. I want a small restaurant, Vermont is a good opportunity to open a small restaurant, work with local farmers, it’s cheap enough that I have a chance of succeeding, but the dining scene is nice enough that my concept won’t make people uncomfortable.

For a while during all this thought I felt like I couldn’t leave Boston because my family is here. Maybe being away from family is what I need for a bit, to learn about me, what I want, what I need. What my goals are, what really sets me on fire. And when I leave I’ll just hope that family is always here.

I recall
The time when you and I would talk a little more
To each other face to face, through love and war
Well I hope there will always be an open door for me

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.