You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well, you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough
No, you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that, though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Rough start to the week boys and girls. Today turned my world upside down(as if it wasn’t already). It did make me think though. I think we don’t truly realize how much we put someone through until it’s too late, and how it takes too long to realize how good of a person they were to go through those struggles with you. To be there for your little hells and to love you anyways. While I’ve accepted my break up and have had a great deal of relief in that acceptance, today made me want to say thank you to that person. Unfortunately that person and I do speak anymore, so I’ll write it here, in hopes that putting it into the universe gives me whatever feeling I’m looking for from it. Enjoy.

Dear Mia,

Where to begin… We had a good run, and at the end of it I didn’t believe you could leave me. I believed that you loved me enough that I could just never change, never compromise and you’d always accept it. I was wrong. I’m happy I was wrong because you deserved better than what I gave for a lot of our time together. That being said I owe you both an apology and a thank you. I’m sorry I took you for granted, you were and I’m sure still are a good person, who loves fiercely, never change that. And thank you, in therapy and such they tell you not to use the word burden, but let’s face it, my mental health can be a serious burden. Tonight I got a bit of a lecture from Tab about how this is not me, and she can’t see me like this anymore, she needs to see me, not this pretend version of me. The tough part with her saying that is, this is me. This is the dark, sad, hard to deal with part of me. When I’m well I am fucking well. As it goes, when I’m bad I am fucking bad. You took the bad on the chin for years, never complained, never made me feel bad about it, always wanted to help me, supported me anyway you could. I see now that’s the only thing you could ever want from a partner, and I look forward to the day I find that in a partner again. They say 3rd times a charm, but with this I’ll learn on the second go. I learned what it felted to be loved at my worst, when I didn’t feel worthy of love, that’s one of those special things in life that not everyone gets, and not just anyone can give. I was introduced to the hard reality today that not everyone is going to love you at your worst, in face people will grow to resent you at your worst, and despite how many times they tell you you’re not, you are a burden. I never felt like a burden on you even though I know I was. Thank you for creating a safe space, one that lacked judgment, and had an abundance of love and support. I’ll always be rooting for you.

All my love,

J.

In therapy today I talked about how making peace with the feelings around my break up felt really good, I can honestly say writing that letter felt like the final thing I needed to move on, even if she’ll never read it. My therapist also said I should do the same with my dogs death. That I’m not sure I’m ready for, I know today isn’t the day because it’s been long, and I feel bad enough for one day.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. If you’re reading this, thanks for being here. If you’re reading this and having a tough go at things, you’re not a burden, no matter what you tell yourself.