Go ahead, babe, talk about me
Tell everyone your own fucked up story
I don’t think I know you now
From what I’ve heard, you like to tear me down

And I want you to be happy
‘Cause that’s what you deserve
If you want me to be unhappy
Well, that just fucking hurts

I know I’ve written(wrote?) about this song before, and at first it’s always the title of the song that draws me in. When I’m having a hard time mentally, like I am today, I feel in a weird way like I’m the worst person alive. I know deep down I’m not, but something about these intrusive thoughts tells me I’m not a good person either.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my last relationship, and past relationships in general. I spent most of my adult life in one relationship, and when you spend that much time around someone you build an identity that makes sense for the person you become with this person.

When that all comes crashing down, there’s this moment where you wonder who you are, what you want from life, what you truly like in life. I think when you’re with someone, there’s always a small part of you that’s suppressed, a part you keep hidden from the world, out of fear of judgment. I think for a while throughout this process I avoided wondering who I am, what I want from life. I did what I always do in hard times, I focused on work, worked as much as I could.

That’s like the toxic man that lives somewhere inside of me doing his worst. You’re going through a life altering event? suppress your feelings and work more.

Turns out that didn’t work in my favor, and it means I started processing all that shit way later than I should have or could have. Now here I am 15 months later just starting to process my emotions, and try to figure out who I am.

I think the real reason I don’t like to process things or reflect on things is because I’m very critical of myself, so for the last month I’ve just been thinking about all my mistakes in life, all the things I’d wish I’d done differently, all the things I wish I could do different.

One of those things is considering how other people have felt or feel in situations, trying to be kinder, more empathetic, trying to see the other side of things. Trying to approach things more open minded, and trying to be a bit less overbearing, because I can also be that.

I think a combination of doing all these things poorly is what got me where I am today. I have trouble letting go, backing off.

I guess when your parents abandon you, you’re afraid everyone will, so you try to hang on for dear life. Only to find out some day that trying to hold on tighter to something or someone trying to leave, makes it worse, makes them want to leave more.

I hope to find my way through, to be able to let go of people as easy as they’re able to let go of me, because in the end no one really sticks around for the hard times.

Last year I was the love of your life
Now I’m the worst person alive

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.