How much would you bet
That if I tried hard enough
I would spontaneously combust?

I wish I could disappear
And run away from all of my fears.
I think I’m coming undone.

So stay the night.
I promise that I won’t bite.
‘Cause without you there,
I don’t think I can close my eyes.

Have you ever heard the expression “don’t take things at face value”?

Basically if you take things at face value you accept and believe it without thinking much about it, even though it may not be true.

Well, that’s should pop up on your phone in big bold letters every time you open a social media app, because what you’re seeing is often not the case.

I got into a bit of a debate with someone today, a debate that ended poorly, the one bright side being, I didn’t take anything at face value, I’ve been thinking about it since it happened.

It was actually a really stupid debate, that helped me come to a somewhat comforting realization.

Basically we had gotten on the subject of celebrity divorce, they mentioned Jeremy Allen White’s divorce and how it doesn’t make him look great(finally something that doesn’t). Anyways I didn’t even know he had been married or divorced. Basically they thought it was distasteful that he had been seen making out with his new girlfriend after recently being divorced and how disrespectful that is towards your ex. I took Jeremy Allen White’s side. His ex wife has said in the media that he’s a bit of an absent dad, which is a shit thing to say. He also has to go to weekly therapy, be tested for alcohol 5 days a week and go to two AA meetings a week to be able to continue seeing his children. The person I had this debate with said it’s disrespectful to be making out with your new girlfriend knowing your ex wife is at home with your new born and she’s going to see how great your life is now.

My immediate thought was, kissing someone doesn’t make your life great, dating someone doesn’t even make your life great. It doesn’t make his addiction go away, it doesn’t make his demons go away. That’s taking something at face value, and it’s not necessarily the case. Do I know if his life is great or not? Fuck no. I hope his life is great, I hope his ex’s life is great, I hope everyones life is great for the most part.

I said they got divorced for a reason(according to the internet it had to do with his schedule while shooting the bear) and then it hit me.

If you really love someone, and you know they aren’t meant to be with you, you still want them to be happy. My ex fiancé left me for another guy, she left our dog too. A dog that a couple months later got cancer and a couple months after that died. During the breakup I saw things on social media that would make it seem like her life was great, and at the time it drove me fucking nuts. Until I realized that I love her, I will always have love for her, not necessarily in the way that I once did, but she’s someone I’ll always care about, and if leaving me to be with someone else made her happy, great. I mean that sincerely.

I think for the last 15 months I’ve been coming undone, and this realization might be the first step to putting me back together. I’ve been walking around with anger and resentment because she hurt me, but the whole point of being with her and being her partner was because she was happier with me than she was without me, when that no longer becomes the case, then I don’t want to be with her either. I want her to go find someone who does make her happier than being alone, someone who cares about her and loves her hopefully as much or more than I did.

There’s another cliche saying here “don’t be sad it’s over, smile because it happened” Some bullshit like that. It’s true. I can honestly say, even though I’m tearing up at the moment, I’m not sad it’s over. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care or I wasn’t happy. This is where anger, sadness, and resentment turn into gratitude. Without those six years I’m not the person I am today. She taught me so much about life and love. She taught me to be a better person, and as tough it is to realize the person who helped make you who you are walked out on you, I’m still really grateful. I’m not sad, or angry, just grateful.

I can’t pretend it’s all good, going through that will making love in the future much, much harder. Ultimately, I’m a lot for anyone, and there’s been plenty of times in life where if I could leave me, I would, it can be overwhelming. I’m working on changing it, being able to recognize when I’m not my best self, but with all the anxiety and trauma, it’ll probably never be completely gone. Asking someone to take that on is a lot, and there are times where the good doesn’t outweigh the bad.

It’s too bad the conversation went as poorly as it did, but I think this is the first step to putting the pieces back together, to healing.

So stay the night.
I promise that I won’t bite.
‘Cause without you there,
I don’t think I can close my eyes.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. Thanks for being here.