And I’m afraid 
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I’ll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I’m breaking down

You know, there’s a part of me that felt like I didn’t love this City & Colour song, but I’ve been struggling with sleep recently, and found myself humming this song a moment ago and thought about how it’s pretty spot on to how I’m feeling.

I’ve been afraid to go to sleep that last week or so, when it’s time to lay down, I sit there scrolling or watching tv, only falling asleep when I literally can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I’ve been in this place before, and I’m not sure I remember how I’ve gotten out of it. The last few times I went through this feeling I was sleeping next to someone, and I think that person helped me get out of the pattern then.

It’s a feeling I can’t really explain, and a fear I don’t understand, but that doesn’t make it any less real. When I tell myself I should go to sleep I get nervous to close my eyes, I get this uncomfortable feeling deep in my guts, like if I go to sleep I won’t wake up or something.

It started the other night, when I had a dream I was still living in the house I sold last year, only to wake up here in weymouth, I woke up a bit disoriented and confused as to what caused the dream. My dog was there too. Waking up not in that house, without my dog, in a weird way made me realize how uncomfortable I’ve been since I moved. It made me realize that where I live now doesn’t feel like home, and I know I always preach that home isn’t necessarily a place but a feeling. Well when I’m here I don’t feel home, and that’s something I’m not sure how to address.

How do you make yourself feel more at home in a place?

I’ve tried to do all the things I thought I was supposed to do to make it feel like home, but despite my dogs blankets, her pillow, even her toys being on my bed every night, something is still missing.

I guess in some sense she is what’s missing, but I have her ashes, in little urn around my neck, with her tags, the rest of them in a wooden box with her picture. She’s as here as she could ever be, but something still doesn’t feel right.

Maybe the answer isn’t in what’s around me, maybe the answer is giving it time to feel like home. When I moved last year I moved out of the house I’ve lived in for probably the longest in my life, and it’s been uncomfortable trying to settle into a new place. I hate moving, I hate when my surroundings change.

The lack of sleep, and bizarre schedule is making my anxiety worse, and recovery harder.

I think it’s time to give myself a new narrative, and try to get some sleep.

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead 
But now it’s like the night is taking sides
All the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.