Do I have nothing good left to say?
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
People love to drink their troubles away
Sometimes I feel that I’d be better off that way

‘Cause maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn’t lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I’ll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know
I know
I know

So here’s to living life miserable
And here’s to all the lonely stories that I’ve told
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle

You know, it’s been a strange couple of weeks, and while I’ve always related to this song, I feel like I currently relate to it more than ever. I’ve never been a drinker, the idea of drinking and being drunk has always intimidated me, the fear of not being in control. Truth is I’m not in control anyways.

Recently, for the first time in my life I really pondered the idea of what it would be like to start drinking, while it would probably ease my nerves a bit, I think I’d like it too much and so that’s led me to this sober life I live.

Sometimes I wonder if I drank a whiskey if I’d write better, or think better. I always realize that the people in my life that have abused alcohol are never better for it, maybe they think they are in the moment because the alcohol shuts down the little voice in your head that’s telling you all the bad stuff, at least that’s what I assume.

I assume if I drank, while drinking the little voice that tells me I’m a failure, that I’m not good enough, that I’m not going to make it, would slowly get drowned out by silence. The idea of living without that voice is something dreams are made of, but maybe I can get there without alcohol.

This song is pretty pessimistic and I’m trying to learn optimism, so when I read it now I tend to challenge the ideas, because what if it doesn’t have to be this way?

What if I could sleep at night? It was something I could control?

At this rate if nothing changes soon my nerves will definitely be the death of me, and to be honest, I’ve been saying that to myself for 10 years now. I don’t know what it’s like to feel calm and relaxed. I only know tense and worried.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of living life miserable, at least as miserable as I’ve been recently. I am a sucker for some level of misery in life, I think being a bit grumpy and cynical can make for some funny times. I want to get back to my place where I’m happily miserable, where I complain about going to work but wouldn’t trade it for the world, you know?

I’m tired of lonely stories, stories like the first time I went to New York. I was 18 I had just done my taxes for the first time and said fuck it I’ve never been to new york. Got a $30 bus ticket and went to New York by myself. While overall I did enjoy the experience, I’d like to go back now that I’m actually old enough to go to all the places I dreamed of going then, but I’ve reached a point where I’m not sure I’d be comfortable going alone. It’s something I want to experience with someone.

I talked yesterday about frustrated I am with hospitality as a whole recently, I think when you go out with someone to a restaurant, you’re already a bit more positive, and maybe it can bring out the good in the experience, instead of sitting there alone, dwelling on how bad the service is or the food is.

I love this song when I’m feeling bad, and I like to challenge it when I’m feeling good.

For now…

here’s to living life miserable
And here’s to all the lonely stories that I’ve told

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.