Did someone say that this would be easy?
Did they proclaim “this too shall pass”?
One thing I know you learn for certain
Is that the good times, they never last

But darling, you know I ain’t got the answers
But I sure as hell won’t surrender
It’s gonna be you and me ’til the end of time
Though we lost it all without warning
After dark always comes morning
You know we can make it one more night

I’ve always been envious of those optimistic people in the world, the ones who are able to brush things off easily, that are able to go with the flow and just let things pass.

For as long as I can remember I haven’t been one of those people, I really like to stew in my own negative thoughts. Well, I don’t like to, but I find myself doing it anyways. I find myself in these sort of heavy, long lows in life. Every time I find myself in one, I try to reflect on that last one and figure out what helped me out of it, the truth is, whatever helps me out of it, is something I’m not consciously aware of.

I’m currently in one of these periods, and have been for about 5 days now. These moments often show up “without warning” and I never have the answers to figure them out. The first couple of days are always the worst because it brings on the intrusive thoughts, the thoughts of self harm, suicidal ideation, all the things I’m constantly trying to get better from to avoid feeling. I get down in these holes where I feel numb, and begin to tell myself that cutting will help me feel something, will help me out of the hole. Then when I’m able to avoid those urges, slowly the thoughts that I should no longer be here creep in instead.

I’m in this weird “in-between” phase it feels like. I feel like a snake that hasn’t shed all its skin quite yet, like a hermit crab that outgrew its shell, but hasn’t found a new one to fit into yet. This feeling is beating me down.

Last year right around this time is when I tried to begin to start the new chapter of my life, I did my stage at Alcove on January 13th, I figured, the house was for sale, I had accepted my fiancé and I weren’t getting back together, and I hated my job, so it was time for change. It was time to start putting the pieces back together and building myself back up. I thought I did a great job of that, I got the job I always wanted, and right before things went dark I was about to be in the position I wanted, I was beginning the process of taking over the bar program, and becoming a manager. I was finally on track to begin again, with a good team, with a good mentor, and I was about the happiest I can remember being.

Then one day I’m sitting in traffic and I sort of zoned out and thought about how much my life had changed since the last time I was in that location, boom. Panic attack. Not like one of my regular panic attacks where I freak out for 3-5 minutes and it goes away, this panic attack lingered, and was a strong fucker.

When I have panic like that, it tends to turn into a trend, I start fearing the next one, I start anticipating the next one, which is the worst thing you can do. There isn’t necessarily a next one, but when you’re hyper fixated on it and telling yourself it’s coming, eventually it comes, and it keeps coming because you keep thinking about it.

When these sort of “spirals” like the one I’m in now happen, the panic comes with warning, but the panic attack that starts it all, that comes without any warning at all, which is what makes it so bad.

I think the biggest struggle in all of this, is trying to hide it from the people closest to me, being embarrassed by it. I don’t let my family know the truth of my feelings, because I don’t want them to look at me differently. You tell a familiar member you’re suffering from passive suicidal thoughts and they’ll look at you differently. You share it with strangers on the internet and they don’t give a bollocks. Realistically it’s a lose lose, because the people who do care don’t know, and the people that do know don’t care.

I’m scared of the future, of how I escape the prison I’ve created for myself, the one that exists only in my mind. I’m young, but not getting any younger, and I’m missing opportunities, experiences. Every day that I allow the anxiety to control the narrative, is a wasted day, a day I’m not really living, a day I’m missing out on.

I used to just shut my feelings out, bury them and keep moving, as I got older I tried to do what I thought was the right thing, and feel my feelings, try to process them. I’m on the verge of shutting them out again.

Telling the anxiety to go fuck and just being uncomfortable. I bet if I could just face the anxiety long enough, have a staring contest with it, I’d win, and it would fade away again, and sit idle waiting for it’s next opportunity to fuck my life up.

I won’t surrender

The light is near

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.