They say joy will come along with the morning sun
But it’s starless tonight and this grief, it weighs a ton
And I know this world was more than you could bare
So save me a seat at your table, I will meet you there.

Well, the day is here. I said goodbye to Rye about an hour ago, and she’s on her last adventure with her dad, they’re gonna hit the beach and have a slice of pizza.

Nothing can prepare you for days like this, they’re the days that make you question all your decisions in life. Why do we get dogs? We know we’re going to love them more than words can explain, and we know at some point, they’ll unintentionally break our hearts.

Why do we love at all? We know at some point all love comes to an end, yet we set ourselves up for that pain.

This feeling is all too familiar, having gone through a similar feeling last year. This isn’t quite as hard because, well Rye wasn’t my dog, wasn’t my child, my best fucking friend. Rye was in my life for a very long time though, and she was such a good dog, with such a good heart. It’s never easy to say goodbye, in fact this goodbye was harder than I expected it to be, is it because I watch the pain of my brother and sister as well? I’m not all that sure.

In this moment I feel a lack of hope for the future, and an oddly lonely feeling in my gut. I guess that loneliness comes from the bit of flashback I have today, back to last February when I had to wake up and do the same thing.

While animals can communicate with us to a degree, it’s not a good enough degree. Imagine if a dog could tell you how they’re feeling in these moments? As if to say “hey, I have a little more fight in me.” or “hey, it’s been a hell of a ride, but my time is here.”

You have to guess when it’s time, and hope you’re making the right decision. You have to act in the most selfless way possible, you have to help end the suffering of another life, and begin the suffering in your own. It’s an act of empathy, and bravery.

The anxiety is high, the vibes are low. Some day I hope to have the answers, or at least be able to see things more clearly than I do right now.

To Rye:

Thank you for being a part of this family the last 11+ years, you brought all of us such great joy, especially your dad. I’m sorry the end wasn’t pretty and graceful like you deserved, but I know you’re headed to a better place. Say hello to Presley for me, hopefully she’s a little less feisty wherever you guys end up. I’ll see you again some day, in the permanent place, where the skies are gold not gray. Be well.

So leave the worry a little while
Take my healing hand
When all is said and done
We will begin again

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.