What if I, what if I have nothing left
To heal you with?
I must stay calm, keep my head, then
Start again, workin’ til the bitter end
Slowly let the light shine in
I’m wide awake and I can see

This mess I have made
Will not fade away
But I wouldn’t change it
For the world
No matter how far I’m goin’
I’ll find my way back through this difficult love

Love is definitely difficult, and it’s easy to reach a point where you feel like you have nothing left to heal your loved ones, or even yourself with. My brother is putting his dog down in 18 hours, and I think knowing that is making him realize he has nothing left to heal her with. More so he doesn’t possess the power to heal what ails her.

It’s been a really trying time for him I can tell, and it’s been a trying time for me. I had to go through this last year, around the same time, putting my dog down. I think what’s really been the trying part is watching someone handle it different than I did. I’m not saying I handled it perfect, but I do like to believe I handled it well, at least the parts that counted. Since she’s been gone I haven’t handled it well but that’s a different story. Last night my brother didn’t come home. Two sleeps left with your dog, and you don’t come home. That confuses me, and last night when he said he wasn’t coming home my immediate reaction was anger, I was hurt. I was hurt because I’d do anything for one more sleep with Presley. I was angry because you don’t leave someone you love hanging when they need you the most.

This morning I woke up from a night of not really sleeping because I spent the night with his dog, the anger had faded, and confusion set in. One of my big problems in life is my overwhelming urge to understand. I like to understand everything, and some things can’t be understood by us, sometimes in the moment you don’t understand, and sometimes you’ll never have the answer. It frustrates me to no end. This is one of those things that I’ll never understand.

I think my biggest problem with all of it is perspective, I’m simply looking at it from having already had 11 months to process what happened, and honestly it still isn’t great for me.

When I was first diagnosed with CPTSD I thought to myself “I don’t have that, nothing I endured was bad enough to cause me to have PTSD, people get that from war.”. Now I’ve been having flashbacks, last night as I was sitting there with my brother’s dog I started to dissociate and feel like I was back in my old house, watching Presley die. It really freaked me out.

I guess this is an opportunity for me to slowly let the light shine in, on the negative side yes I had a traumatic flashback last night, on the positive side, I’ve noticed this and can now address it.

This blog is very haphazardly put together and I apologize, this is what you get when I write my thoughts in real time.

I wish my brother wasn’t going through this, I wish I didn’t go through this. But if I wish in one hand and shit in the other I know which is gonna be full faster.

If you have a dog, send a pic along. Give them an extra smooch, an extra hug.

Take care of yourselves and your pals.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.