I fear I’ll die from complications
Complications due to things that I’ve left undone
That all my debts will be left unpaid
Feel like a cripple without a cane

But I used to be quite resilient, gained no strength from counting the beads on a rosary
And now the wound has begun to turn
Another lesson that has gone unlearned
But this is not a cry for pity or for sympathy

This has always been one of my favorite City & Colour songs, I think partially because of the line “I am the world’s poor pessimist”. In some ways the song isn’t about being an optimist at all, and I can relate. Basically the song is about Dallas Green’s parents, and how his dad is an optimistic person, and his mother is not, and neither is he.

I was sitting here today and I was thinking about how I’d like to write today, and I wasn’t sure what about. Originally I was going to write with inspiration from the song “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and Benny Blanco, mostly because I’ve been feeling well, lonely. Also because in it he says “everybody saw me sick, and it felt like no one gave a shit.” I’ve really been resonating with that line recently, maybe always. It feels like when your mental health is on the fritz often times no one gives a shit, for a variety of reasons. Partially it’s because some people don’t believe in the shit, but I also think it’s one of those things where when you can’t physically see the illness, people kinda just expect you’re fine and should get over it.

Anyways I was sitting deep in thought earlier tonight, about how I’m gearing up to really start pushing my limits with agoraphobia, so I can go back to work. I have unfinished business and big plans for 2024.

I fear I’ll die from complications, complications due to things that I’ve left undone. This is a real fear for me, when you’re not at your best mentally and you’re battling the thoughts of feeling like a failure, like a burden, like a pain in everyone’s ass, it’s easy to feel close to death. I don’t mean that as if feeling like a burden makes you any closer to death, maybe I do. What I mean is when those feelings come up, so does the thought of giving up. The thought of submitting to the anxiety, and the panic, and the suicidal ideation.

I always beat this feeling, otherwise I wouldn’t be here today, and I think it’s thanks to my stubborn attitude. I won’t give up, I won’t become a statistic or another sad story, even if I want to, I won’t. 

I do feel like I used to be more resilient than I am today, I’m not sure if that’s life wearing me down, or just the season I’m in. I used to believe I was strong, that I could accomplish anything, and over time, when you begin to accomplish less, your belief in yourself fades. I’ve never found myself looking to god or whatever higher power for strength, though I do wear these little crystal bracelets that are supposed to motivate you, so maybe I am looking for strength.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe you can find strength from outside sources, I believe strength comes from within. It comes from believing in yourself, in your abilities. If you believe you can do it, you probably can. This is where my problem is, I’m having trouble believing I can. The self doubt is just the anxiety talking, I’ve done some hard shit in life, surely I can do more hard shit, but if you don’t believe it with all you got, those intrusive thoughts creep in and win.

Then there’s my father he’s always looking on the bright side
Saying things like “Son life just ain’t that hard”
He is the grand optimist, I am the world’s poor pessimist
You give him burdensome times and he will escape unscarred

I guess I’ll take after my mother…

With all my love.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.