Awake, awake, my darling
From your beautiful dream
Save me from my sorrow
Which burns eternally

Oh, hammer me down
Into the fire, I am reborn
Let love’s energy pour into me
I am yours

Well, well, here we are, 2024.

You know for a moment I was thinking this was going to be a negative passage, but I think we’ve turned a corner ladies and gentlemen. Love is in fact near.

Let me clarify a bit.

Last year stunk, I think that’s a unanimous take for the year 2023.

2024 is 46 hours old, but it’s been a good 46 hours. I feel, dare I say, optimistic????

Today felt like a turning point for me, I spent a few hours outside, chopping wood, stacking wood, the usual. I was anxious being out there because you know, agoraphobia and shit, but I was able to sit with that discomfort, I just submitted to it, accepted it, and when I did that, it went away. Now I’m not saying it’s rainbows and sunshine ahead, but I think there’s something to be said for how I handled the uncomfortable feelings today, compared to usual. Something felt different.

There has been one hardship so far in 2024. On this coming Monday, my brother will be putting his dog down, who is 11 years old. it’s actually bizarre, my brother is actively going through exactly what I went through a year ago or so. A break up, and putting his dog down in the same week. His girlfriend was a piece of trash so good riddance lady, but the dog is a different story. My brother is a reserved guy, doesn’t get emotional, takes it on the chin and carries on. Unfortunately I don’t believe this will be the same. When you grow up the way we did all you really want in life is a few things.

1. Stability
2. Safety
3. Love

He found at least two of those things in that dog. Having a side kick like that for 11 years gives you stability. It also gives you a love like no other.

My sister and him were talking about the day, and I joined the conversation, having just gone through it 11 months ago. I said boomers would never understand and I’m sure a lot of people would give me shit for this, but for me, having a dog was what I imagine having a kid is like. I fucking LOVED my dog, I still love her, and just like a parent, I would have done anything for that dog. I would have given myself cancer if it meant she could have continued living the way she was. I would have traded my life for hers when it was time for her to be put down. She was such a beam of light in this world, that I’d rather the world have her than have me. She also gave me stability, she was there every single day for 5 and a half years.

Seeing my brother go through this reminded me of something though…

The Love Still Held Me Near

What I mean by that, and I didn’t necessarily realize it at the time, but through the whole cancer process with Presley, through putting her down, through all the heartache I’ve experienced over the last 15 months, love was always there. I didn’t look for it, but it was there, it stayed close, it held me in my darkest moments.

Tonight I guess I realized I’m not sure there’s anything more important than love, which is ironic because sometimes love isn’t enough. It’s the most important thing though, when you’re down, when you don’t want to get back up, when you’re ready to give in and give up, love is what keeps you safe, it holds you until you can hold yourself.

After my fiancé left I thought “love isn’t for me”, but I was just being a brat I see now. Love is for me, love is for everyone. I said it wasn’t for me because while I think it’s the most important thing in the world, it’s also the most painful. People you love will hurt you, intentional or not, it’s going to happen, and it’s impossible to be ready for it when it hits. I will say for the last 15 months the idea of a relationship or being with someone was often the last thing on my mind, and I told myself I wouldn’t do it anymore, I’d rather be alone. Now the idea of falling in love again brings such joy and hope to me, I look forward to when it happens.

I think this agoraphobia was good for me, I hated it, it was a bad time, it was a dark time, but I think it was good. I think it made me see what I want, what I need, and what I was taking for granted.

Suicidal ideation has been a battle the last couple of months, but I can say for certain today, I’m happy I’m still here. I may be down, but I’m not out, and just because there’s been hard days and more hard days are ahead doesn’t mean I should give up, even if my brain tells me otherwise sometimes.

Shatter the earth,

It’s where I will be found,

‘Cause the love still held me near,

Say it now,

And time will disappear.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.