I’ve learned to lose, you can’t afford to.

Well, Christmas festivities are officially over for me. I have a big announcement to make: I no longer celebrate Christmas, which I’m sure makes me sound like an ungrateful dickhead, but don’t worry I’ll explain.

I no longer celebrate Christmas, because I don’t really have a real family. My parents and brother came to my sister’s house this year for Christmas Eve, the people in my family are too fucking broken to have a normal night. My parents were here for 3 hours, I don’t think I had a conversation with either of them, my dad spent half the time in his car, which is nothing new, but really fucking weird. Anyways, I spoke 9 words to my brother. No one really talked, no one really ate. I spent probably 20 hours over two days making EVERYTHING from scratch. Home made mozzarella, home made bread, cheesecake, apple pie, egg nog, pasta, arancini, stuffed mushrooms, a ham, tenderloin. Fuck I even made butter. My dad had about 6 pieces of pasta, my brother didn’t eat much, his girlfriend didn’t eat anything. Oh I forgot 3 types of cookies.

I realized after tonight, any normal christmas’ I have experienced are long in the past, and will not be returning. When my grandparents died that was the end of it, it tore my family apart on my moms side, and drugs tore it apart on my dads side.

Let me be clear and say, I’m not sad about it, I’ve accepted it, most things in my life haven’t been normal, why would holidays be the exception?

My problem is I’ve learned to lose and my parents can’t afford to. My dad is 62 and in terrible health, my mom is about to be 59 and also in terrible health, I’d be shocked if my dad made it to 70, and if my mom dies before him, I don’t think he’ll be able to bear the pain.

I don’t do great with loss, but I’ve learned how to lose. I take it on the chin, it knocks me down a peg, but I get the fuck back up and I always will.

Now how do I stop celebrating Christmas?

My parents would lose their shit, and I don’t want them to suffer anymore loss, but I fucking hate Christmas.

I’m not religious.

Santa is a fake bitch.

I don’t have a normal family.

The person I thought was my life partner is gone.

My dog is dead.

I don’t want to celebrate this stupid fucking holiday anymore.

Christmas is truly just a reminder of everything bad in my life, that has happened, that continues to happen. Last year I spent my Christmas alone, on my couch, with my dog. The day after Christmas I found out she had cancer, now she’s gone. Last Christmas was my favorite Christmas I can remember, just me and my dog, no family, no bullshit gifts, just the two of us. It was the first time in 6 years I didn’t have a girlfriend, it was hard to cope. This year is the first year without my dog, it’s hard to cope.

I just want it to be over, and I don’t want it to keep happening. I get there are people out there with much harder circumstances right now, but good god are my nerves shot.

I’m grateful to have been able to enjoy a bunch of really good quality food, to have a home, a bed, the things we often take for granted.

I hope if you’re struggling, you have people around you to support you during the holidays.

I hope you make it.

Love yas.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

PS Send dog photos in honor of my sweet angel who’s no longer with us, and so I don’t have a total mental breakdown.