No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you gimme those ocean eyes
I’m scared
I’ve never fallen from quite this high
Fallin’ into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

I swear I am cursed at this time of year, the holidays have never been good for me. I’ve turned into a real grinch, hopefully some holiday season this bitter disposition will pass.

My brother texted me tonight, he has to put his dog down. I cried. Not because of the dog, because of my brother. When you’re this similar to someone, and they are going through what you went through just a year ago, you know exactly how they feel, and it fucking sucks. I know exactly what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling, and it’s a feeling that broke me, it’s a feeling I don’t know I’ll ever recover from.

His dog has been with him for almost 12 years, hell when he got her she was so small she fit in his coat, and now she’s 70lbs.

For me the hardest part was losing someone who was there with me nonstop for 5 years and change. I know it’s a dog not someone, but that dog was in my life longer than most people, in a very impactful way.

I can tell the stability part is fucking with him too, he’s 33 and this dog is 12, that means he’s had that dog for like 36% of his life, more than a third of his life this dog has been with him, and now he has to watch her die.

I feel similarly now to when Presley was sick, because someone I love so dearly is in pain and I can’t do fucking anything to stop it, I am helpless in this situation.

You know, last year when I wanted to kill myself, I felt weak, like I couldn’t handle life I wasn’t strong enough. After getting through the last 14 months I’ve realized my resilience is my super power. I may have wanted to give up, I may still sometimes want to give up, but I never do. I keep going.

My resilience is also my Achilles, because I wish I could take the pain of the people around me, and make it mine instead of theirs. I know I could handle it, and I’m not saying they can’t but I hate when the people around me are in pain, I hate when anyone is in pain.

I have contradicting thoughts about pain though, I don’t think anyone deserves pain, but some of the pain I’ve experienced I think I deserve. If I could make other people’s pain my own I would, because then maybe the world would be a better place, or at least a happier one.

I can fake being happy, I can fake being okay. I’ve been doing it my entire life, I do it still.

I know part of accepting love is accepting loss, but I hate seeing dogs die, or animals in general. Animals are gentle creatures, they mean well, they don’t intentionally cause harm or malice to the things around them, and there’s something really beautiful about that. Maybe we should practice being more like animals, we are animals, but we got too smart for our own good.

I’m sorry for my brother and what he’s going through, I’m happy I went through it first so I can be there for him.

And to his dog, Rye, She brought a lot of joy to this family, and all the people that met her, she was a sweet velvet hippo who was gentle and kind. I’m sorry it had to end this way. Hopefully her and Presley get along. I know they’ll both be in the permanent place…

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

PS Send along dog pics, and give your pals a little extra love for Presley and Rye.