You betrayed me
And I know that you’ll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You’d talk to her
When we were together
Loved you at your worst
But that didn’t matter

This week has been hard, two days ago I was supposed to bring toys to the MSPCA, a tradition I started with Presley that I said I’d continue even though she passed, but I let the agoraphobia stop me from doing it. I let fear stop me from being me. Yesterday would have been my one year wedding anniversary, and I have this bizarre fear that I may never heal from that, like this is going to take me down. Maybe writing about it will help me get through the rest of the week a little less….down.

This song is good, and really makes me think. When my fiancé told me last September that when she went to Vegas for her best friends wedding she was sharing a room I didn’t think anything of it, she was always so honest with me, or so I thought. I guess that genuine and honest person could have been a facade. Maybe it was all lies, and I’ll never know. Some things are better left unsaid.

I always took her at her word because what reason did she have to lie to me, I showed her the real me during that relationship, and once you see who I really am, you see I have no business judging anyone else, I have plenty of my own flaws.

To answer your question of why my fiancé would be going to her best friends wedding in Vegas without me, I don’t fly, I have never been on a plane, they scare the shit out of me, and while some days I say I’m gonna fly, I may die having never been on an airplane, that will be a regret if that day comes, but it is what it is.

She was upset that I wasn’t going to the wedding because they were all spending 3 or 4 days in Vegas doing a bunch of random Vegas shit.

A day or two before she left I told her I didn’t want to drive her to the airport out of the fear of it messing with my sleep schedule and thus causing me severe anxiety, I would have had to wake up at 4 drive the 45 minutes to the airport, the 45 minutes home, go back to sleep, and then get up again for work. Whenever I have days where I have to sleep in two separate time periods it gives me panic attacks and can throw me off for days, it makes my internal clock all fucked up. She was really upset that even though I wasn’t going on the trip and I wouldn’t be seeing her for a few days, I also wouldn’t just get up and drive her to the airport. A fair reason to be upset in hindsight.

Speaking of hindsight, I know I can’t change the decisions I made, but if I could, I would have figured out a way to Vegas, taken some valium or whatever and woke up in the dessert surrounded by shitty casinos. If I couldn’t have made it to Vegas I would have gotten up and driven her to the airport. I think these were the metaphorical nails in the coffin.

I don’t blame her for wanting things to change, but I would have changed, I could have changed. I do blame her for leaving, for giving up, because there’s nothing she could have done to make me give up on her, that’s why I asked her to marry me, and I thought that’s why she said yes.

When she got back from Vegas a few days went by, normal days, everything seemed fine.

Then comes Monday, she goes to try on her wedding dress and has a melt down, the next day she tells me she’s not ready to get married. I accepted that, I accepted it because even if we didn’t get married I didn’t want to lose her, so if marriage had to wait, I was okay waiting. That was a long day filled with crying for both of us. At the end of the day she said we needed some time apart and I should go stay at my sisters house. I said if she felt like she needed time apart she could pack a bag, but I’m not leaving my home and my dog because she’s suddenly confused. She wasn’t confused she just didn’t want to be with me anymore, she found someone better.

Back to hindsight, I wish I packed all my things that day, grabbed the dog and left, came to my sisters house and started my life over, but I was scared. I was afraid of change, I was afraid of losing everything I ever wanted. So I stood my ground like a typical prideful male idiot.

She packed a couple bags and went to stay at her moms house. This was the beginning of the end of our relationship and that version of me. I melted the fuck down. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, constantly checking her location that she shared with me hoping she would be home. Checking the location was my toxic trait, HOWEVER it’s how I figured out what was really going on. She didn’t need a break because of something I did or didn’t do. She didn’t need a break at all. She was done.

The “friend” she had spent most of her time with in Vegas was her new interest.

It took you two weeks
To go off and date him*
Guess you didn’t cheat
But you’re still a traitor

Ironically, it was about two weeks, two weeks had gone by and she had started seeing this new guy, staying with him, etc.

I was in the midst of what I’d say was my first ever real mental break down, I was cutting myself, suicidal, having trouble focusing at work. I didn’t want to live, I was in so much emotional pain it began to become physical pain.

For exactly three weeks, I slept on the couch, ate 1 meal a day at most, wasn’t myself at work, missed time at work, cut myself, and thought about how I could kill myself. The only productive thing I did in that three weeks was I still took care of Presley, other than that I was a sinking ship and I wanted to take everyone down with me.

On day 21 I went to Jiu Jitsu for the first time, and that was the moment I felt like maybe, I had a chance, maybe, I could put the pieces back together. Not of the relationship but of myself, I was the most broken I’d ever been and I thought okay maybe I can pull myself out. I signed up for Jiu Jitsu that day and began going regularly. I stopped missing time at work, and I stopped focusing on what she was doing, and instead on what I was doing.

I still had hard days ahead, but I was stable enough that I wasn’t actively planning my death anymore, I still had to face our anniversary, my birthday, our wedding date and her birthday in the coming few weeks, but I was trying to get out of it, Jiu Jitsu was keeping me from going overboard.

Some days I still think that few months could take me down, I’m certainly still not fully healed from it. It’s made me question a lot in life, I lost both my best friends in the matter of 3 months, first her, then Presley.

I lost my stability, my hope, my evidence that life doesn’t always let you down.

Now I’m not sure if I even believe in love, or if love is for me, I’m not sure I’ll ever get engaged or married because I took the shot once and missed, and taking that shot again seems terrifying.

I officially tried to let go of her on may 9th. I walked through the locks by the garden heading into work. I decided I’d wish for peace and hope and instead of throwing a coin in the water, I threw the engagement ring in.

Unfortunately that wish didn’t come true because a couple weeks later I began having panic attacks again, and slowly made my world smaller, until I stopped leaving the house all together.

I wish I could let go of this pain, I wish I could move on from it, and grow from it. Maybe time is the answer, but until then:

You’re still a traitor.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.