Hello again,

It feels like it’s been a minute. I’m not sure I’ve been inspired to write, or felt like dealing with my feelings over the last week or two, but I think it’s time again, to feel, to deal, you know, get through this shit.

I’m not sure there’s one subject this is going to be about, I’m thinking about a lot of different things today, and it’s causing a great deal of anxiety. Like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, though I don’t know there is a wrong side, and I wake up on the same side everyday… Does that explain my attitude?

Anyways I’ve felt like a bit of a failure today. Today is December 17th, the day I am supposed to bring toys and blankets to the MSPCA, a tradition I started last year, in the midst of my break up and only having my dog left, I figured I’d start a tradition with her, that little bitch had the nerve to die a few months later, but I told myself I’d continue to do it every year, in her memory, as a way of remembering her, whatever you wanna call it. The agoraphobia is still winning though, making it to the MSPCA today seems impossible, and going to the store first to buy toys and blankets for dogs seems just as hard.

This all got me thinking, where does my anxiety end and my agoraphobia begin? Like this whole spiral I’m in now technically started on May 31. I was driving through somerville and had a wild panic attack that I couldn’t come down from, just thinking about it now has my hands getting clammy. I made it though, I got through that day and continued to go to work every day until July 1st, it slowly swallowed me whole.. Now I’m just waiting for it to spit me back out, or hoping it spits me back out. For the entire month of June I was having anxiety and panic, it’s like at some point it just becomes too overwhelming and I stop leaving the house?

Where is that point?

How do I get back from that point?

To a point where like the anxiety is still there, the panic attacks are less, and I’m able to function again, I’m able to be myself again.

This has been exhausting, I’m so tired all the time, from the constant worry, the constantly feeling of unease, constantly being on the edge of a panic attack, like any little thing could send me over.

I think I’ve always been a somewhat jaded person, like I’ve dealt with enough shit and would like to no longer do that. I think me being jaded is the opposite of what it used to be though, I used to be jaded in the sense I didn’t wanna go out and do things, now I’m jaded in the sense if I don’t leave this fucking house soon I’m really going to lose my shit, now I feel like once I leave I’m not coming back.

I’ve been having the same dream every night, and I’m not sure if it’s helping or making things worse. I keep dreaming it’s my first day back at Alcove after all this time. It’s been so long and all I want is to be back, I’m so anxious in the dream though, like I returned too soon or something, like I get to work and can’t imagine leaving that building again, it seems too hard, like once I get there I’m stuck there forever.

It’s got me thinking.

I wish I moved closer to Alcove before all this happened, I was thinking about looking at apartments closer to the city and I should have. I can’t help but wonder, if I did move closer would I still be in this position?

I guess that’s not worth thinking about, instead I should focus on what my situation is, not what it could be.

ANYWAYS

Today is supposed to be about poetry, here’s one about hope:

n the heart of the storm, where darkness prevails,

Amidst conflict and chaos, when courage often fails,

There’s a flicker of hope, a beacon of light, guiding us through the turmoil, dispelling the night.

When the world seems divided, in disarray,

Hope is the thread that weaves a new day,

It’s the ember that burns, though the winds may blow, 

A steadfast belief that love will always grow.

In the face of adversity, we stand hand in hand, 

Facing the tempest, United we withstand,

For hope is the seed that compassion sows,

In the garden of unity, where harmony flows.

Through battles and struggles, we find our way, 

With hope as our compass we’ll never sway, 

In the midst of conflict, it’s our steady guide,

A reminder that, together, we’ll conquer the tide.

So let hope be your armor, your strength, your Shield, 

In the midst of conflict, never to yield,

For in the darkest hours, it’s our saving grace,

A promise of a brighter tomorrow we’ll embrace.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.