Yelllooooooooooo

The title of this blog may be recycled, but I couldn’t think of a title for what I’d like to chat about, so this made the most sense. I also have this song title tattooed on me and sometimes I forget to remember it, so this is a good reminder.

I mentioned to a couple people in the last few days that I’m trying to learn Portuguese, and it’s going very poorly. I think it’s going poorly because my ego likes to stop me from doing things I’m not good at, I love doing things I’m good at, but I get very frustrated when I’m not good at something. Part of my felt like maybe I just can’t learn a new language, hell English is hard enough for me, but then I remembered why I wanted to do it, and it made me feel like I should really give it a go.

On October 25th 2022 I was going to kill myself, my dog stopped me in the moment, but what stopped me for good was Jiu Jitsu, and I don’t think it’s an accident that my professor is who he is. When I showed up to that first class that day it kicked the shit out of me but I was immediately in love, it’s actually one of the few things I’m really bad at but I still love so much. Anyways my professor was born and raised in Brazil, and has been training for most of his life. After a few classes I pulled him aside gave him a hug and told him he saved my life, it’s true he did. He gave me hope, he was nice to me, welcoming, and always made it a point to take his time to show me different positions until I fully understood.

He didn’t just stop me from giving up then, he stops me every day, even though I haven’t stepped foot in that building since March 10th. The idea of getting back to that place, and being able to train there again motivates me more than most things, it keeps me hopeful on my dark days, and makes me work harder at recovering from this agoraphobia bullshit.

What I realized is what I’m explaining to you all right now, I could never explain to him, and that bothers me, I can’t look him in the eyes and explain to him the impact he’s had on my life, because there’s a language barrier. He does speak English, but not great, and so when we talk we’re not having deep or meaningful conversations, it’s small talk, how are you etc etc.

I’ve always hated small talk, I want to be able to get to know the people I’ve spent hours grappling with, the people who are teaching me something important, the people who saved my life. Sure I can pal around with the Americans in class, but it’s not the same.

I realized I want to be able to communicate with people who have had such a huge impact on my life, and I can’t do that without putting in more effort towards learning their language. They came to this country and learned all the bullshit you have to learn to live here, the least I can do is learn some words to be able to tell someone how much of an impact they’ve made on my life.

Sure I could translate it, but where’s the effort in that, I want to be able to say it, I don’t want him to read a message, I want him to hear it from me. If I could I’d probably say something like:

“Stepping into this building is the best decision I ever made, you made me feel safe and at home, in a place where we are learning a martial art, you were able to still make me feel safe. I can see how much you care about everyone who comes here, and it means a great deal that you open your doors to us, and teach us such a valuable life skill. You saved my life by doing what you do, and I don’t say that lightly, I mean I actually wouldn’t be here without this place, without these mats. When I found Jiu Jitsu I was in a dark place, and you showed me the light at the end of the tunnel, now even though I haven’t trained in 9 months, Jiu Jitsu, and being back in your space still gives me hope, it’s still the light at the end of the tunnel. On my darkest days I keep fighting knowing at some point I’ll get to be here again, where I feel welcomed, where I feel safe. You changed my life forever and no amount of thanks will ever be able to show how grateful I am. Oss”

Oss is basically a sign of respect in Jiu Jitsu, I’m not totally sure what it means, but you say it when you greet everyone and shake their hand and bow, I like it, it’s fun to say.

Obrigado por estar aqui.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.