I miss you from across the southern ocean
These days I’m a little worse for wear
Thinking ’bout your care and your devotion
And too many times I was too rushed to hear
Never quick to anger, quick to harsh words
Yeah, I’m learning and unlearning all the parts
Got so used to reacting out of past hurts
That I forget how a conversation starts

So let’s talk about the way that your heart’s so worried
Let’s talk about the cancer in your father’s body
Tell me how she spun you out, let you down, never said sorry
Your pain is my pain with a different story
With a different story

Hello!

I’m so happy that this song is short, so I get to share all the lyrics with you for the first time. It feels like it’s been a minute because last week I wasn’t writing about what I wanted to write about, but what I needed to write about, this is different, this is what I want to write about. In lieu of poetry sunday, enjoy these thoughts.

At first when I heard this song I thought I’d write about some personal experience, about how I am a little worse for wear at the moment, about how I react out of past hurts, that sometimes I do forget how a conversation starts, but that’s not it.

This song is about us isn’t it? About all of us?

About how we all feel the same things, at different times, for different reasons, different stories?

I’ve always said that vulnerability is what makes us feel connected to one another, well this song proves it. We connect to vulnerability because when we’re being vulnerable, we’re usually in pain. Pain isn’t your own to carry, we are all carrying around pain, from different things that have happened to us, but it doesn’t mean you have to carry it alone.

The “chorus” of this song really gets me.

So let’s talk about the way that your heart’s so worried
Let’s talk about the cancer in your father’s body
Tell me how she spun you out, let you down, never said sorry
Your pain is my pain with a different story
With a different story

As someone with a heart that is constantly worried, how could I not relate to that line? Worry is probably the thing I feel most in life, and while I hate that sometimes, sometimes I think it’s good. I’m not constantly worrying about myself, I worry about all sorts of things, the people around me, the state of the world, all of it. I often worry about the things I can’t control which is terrible, but I just think I worry because I don’t want people to have a hard time, I’ve felt that way since I can remember really. There were times when I was young that I wished my friends had fucked up parents in the way I did, but then I always feared they’d know what it felt like, and I don’t want anyone to feel anything bad. I know I can’t control that and it’s actually important to feel bad things sometimes, but the idea of other people hurting hurts me.

Let’s talk about the cancer in your father’s body

It’s like Kimbra was speaking to me with this chorus. In 2019 my dad had a scan of his lungs done and the doctors were concerned that he had asbestos in his lungs. After a bunch of tests and years of time, it is asbestos in his lungs. He is developing mesothelioma, a type of lung cancer caused by having asbestos in your lungs, there are some treatment options, but ultimately no cure. As time goes on his breathing continues to get worse, and that won’t change. Despite all the hardship he put me through, this makes me a little bummed. My dad drives me fucking bananas, but the idea of not being able to call him some day is…. Strange.

Tell me how she spun you out, let you down, never said sorry

This line. I’m sure nobody wants to hear about my break up anymore, sometimes I wish I could forget it. I think it’s hard to let go of, less because of the love for the person, and more because when you spend 6 years with someone they become your constant in life, and when you lose that it can be weird. I’m positive she knows the effects it had on me, but I think sometimes people get to that fork in the road, and they have to each go one way. What’s interesting to me is how you get to that point. How you go from strangers to knowing more about each other than anyone else in the world, you build this relationship over the span of a long time, but it doesn’t fade over the span of a long time, it ends seemingly overnight. One day everything is good and you’re in bed together with your dog watching some shitty show on Netflix, the next day your partner is telling you they don’t want to get married anymore. She spun me out, let me down, and never said sorry. I spun big time, the hardest I ever have, I was living recklessly, cutting myself, figuring out a way to kill myself, truly losing control. She didn’t let me down because she left, she let me down because she wasn’t honest in the end. Had she come to me and said hey, I think I’m interested in this other person, and I want to go explore that, it would have been a tough pill to swallow, but it’s better than being lied to by the person you trusted more than you’ve ever trusted anyone, the person you thought was your safe place. I don’t want an apology for her feelings changing, it is what it is, but an apology for lying about it, making excuses, treating me like I’m some kind of moron would have been nice.

The point of this blog wasn’t to talk about my life, or how I feel about certain things, it was supposed to be about how two things connect us more than ever.

Pain.

Love.

The good and the bad are what connect us as humans, anything in the middle is mundane and not what keeps us interested.

I recently had a friend tell me she’s been having anxiety and panic attacks, that’s a pain I know, so in this case her pain is my pain. What I think is unique about it is, she has panic attacks for the exact opposite reason I have panic attacks, her pain is my pain, with a different story.

With that being said, we all go through stages of pain, and in some way or another we can usually relate to the pain, maybe not the specific situation, but the feelings those situations bring up. As long as I’m here just remember

Your pain is my pain with a different story.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.