Have sex in the middle of a fight
Still with her, but you don’t know why
Wake up in the middle of the night
Drank too much and you kinda wanna die
But we’re all just that person sometimes
But we’re all just that person sometimes

Sundown, I’m closing my eyes
But nothing seems right, I’m not getting any younger
How come at the age of twenty-five
Nothing makes me feel alive?
Like surrendering my peace of mind
I wish I was better than this, oh
I wish I was better

Blackout, I said that I’d try
But feelings don’t die

Helloooooooooooo people

I wasn’t going to write today, I don’t like to publish too often because I feel like it annoys the shit out of people, and makes them less inclined to read, not that I’m reaaaaaaaalllly doing this to draw people in, this is essentially just my diary that I allow anyone to look at. I’ll be doing a writing exercise probably starting Monday of 4 days on 15 minute writing sessions about the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, it’s a part of a writing protocol Dr. Andrew Huberman discussed on his podcast. It’s been in over 200 peer reviewed studies and is supposed to make you a more positive person and let’s be honest, we’re trying to hone in that positivity in time for a new year. I haven’t decided what the worst thing that’s ever happened to me is, it’s probably a toss up between my parents abandoning me when I was 8 to do heroin for a while, and putting my dog down earlier this year. Quite honestly I hate the phrase putting a dog down. That’s like the really polite and gentle way of saying I sat with my dog in my lap while a vet pumped something into her veins to make her heart stop. It’s murder. It had to be done though, she couldn’t suffer any longer, I’d rather me suffer, and have her be at peace. That’s why no chemo or treatment really for the cancer, just made her as comfortable as possible and let nature do it’s thing.

This blog is probably going to be dark, I am not having the best day and I need to just, let it out. I actually feel like at any moment the full blown mental breakdown could erupt. Stay tuned.

Anyways I heard this song today and I really like it, it’s sad, no surprise, I love a lil sad music.

What really caught my attention was the caption the band put to a video of the song on instagram.

Side note: you ever go to search something on instagram and you see the last person you searched and you’re immediately embarrassed? That just happened to me so I could find the caption I’m speaking of.

“I spent the majority of my early 20s yo-yoing between self-love and self-deprecation. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love if I wasn’t behaving in a certain way or meeting a certain made up standard either from other people or myself. I felt like everyone around me was judging me constantly, but I was really just judging myself. I’m reaching a place now where I’m trying to embrace the ebb and flow of it all. To try and find the beauty in the moments when you don’t feel your best. When you don’t feel like you’re the person you want to be. To find the beauty in the admission that you’re just kind of getting by right now. And that’s ok. I’m trying to find a more consistent type of love for myself. A love that’s present through all of it, a self love that’s unconditional.“

Said caption is above.

I too spent the majority of my early 20’s ping ponging between self love and self deprecation.

ACTUALLY we’re 8 years into my 20’s and I’m still playing this game of ping pong. I feel the end of this era, and I think a weird little part of me is sad it’s coming to an end.

I still often feel like I’m not worthy of love if I’m not behaving a certain way, like right now for example, I haven’t really left the house in 5 months, that behavior, despite being a side effect of CPTSD and years of trauma, makes me feel like I’m not worthy of love. Who would love some weirdo who doesn’t leave the house for months at a time? Better question who would want to love someone that doesn’t leave the house, that sounds like a lot, and it is. For me, for the people around me, it’s hard.

This isn’t the truth, it’s not true that I’m not worthy of love because I’m struggling to leave the house, it’s a cognitive distortion.

HOWEVER!!!!!

I am being judged for not leaving the house, by my family, I’m sure by friends, and I’ve actually had a couple of people who don’t know me well enough, comment on it. For the most part to those people I say fuck off and I don’t say it politely. To those people I also say spend a day in my fucking brain and tell me leaving the house is easy and I need to get over it.

You’re right, leaving the house is the easy part, I have two legs, I can walk right out the fucking door. It’s about what happens when I get out there, the thoughts, the physical feelings, that’s where things get hairy.

I also like to set extremely high, unrealistic standards of myself. I think I should be able to work 6 days a week, 10-12 hours a day and be okay. I think I should be able to work 60 hours without trying. Why?

Because I always have. I entered the restaurant industry at 18 in 2014, at 19 in early 2015 I worked 3 months 1 day off, and I was fine, I was more than fine, I was thriving, any time I wasn’t working was spent getting tattoos across the street. I’d get a tattoo and go to work after at least once a week for, well as many tattoos as I have.

In 2017 I worked 6 days a week, roughly 10-11 am until midnight or so most of those days. I did that for almost a year, I was thriving, I was self sabotaging like a motherfucker, but I was thriving.

This year, from February 8th until probably may I think I had a total of 2 days off. 1 to put my dog down and one to move. This time I was actually thriving, I love alcove, I was consulting for another restaurant on the side, I was busy, never home, no time to think. I ate dinner at restaurants 7 days a week, I had no time to relax, no time for pleasure, I was moving and nothing was getting in my fucking way. Until May 31 when I had a flash back of how much my life had changed in the last 4 years, had a terrible panic attack and slowly crumbled.

Now, have I learned my lesson? Fuck no.

When I start leaving the house the days I don’t work, I’ll be training Jiu Jitsu.

Will I crumble again? Fuck no.

I’m learning to embrace the ebbs and flows of life, of my feelings. Right now I’m in an ebb, edging a flow, and once it starts, there won’t be another ebb. Constant – Gentle – Pressure.

Danny Meyer’s answer to hospitality and restaurants, is my answer to life. My baseline for anxiety is low right now, meaning I can’t handle much of it without full blown panic. As we begin to flow again, we do something very important. We do it constantly, and gently. We pressure ourselves to step out of what’s comfortable, not too far out, if I pressure myself too much it’ll end with the opposite result of what I want. If I don’t pressure myself enough I won’t grow. It’s going to be the hardest balancing act I’ve ever done, but I’m going to do it.

I’m going to do it through finding beauty in the moments I don’t feel best. There are lessons all around us in life, you just have to find them. There’s a quote in this Jiu Jitsu book I’m reading and the quote is “He who has a great enough why, can withstand any how.”

Well, bitch, I have a great enough why, I have a bunch of them.

Why?

Because our time here is finite.

Why?

Because you shouldn’t let life pass you by.

Why?

Because as I sit here not leaving the house, I am not reaching my human potential. And I don’t mean if I start leaving the house I’m gonna create some miracle and make the world a better place, but I will make myself a better person. That’s all this journey is about.

Being the best you.

For you.

Not the best you for your friend, or your family.

Not the best you for your romantic partner.

Don’t forget, you are with you 24/7, no one else has to deal with you more than you.

Focus.

Be the best you, for you, for your soul.

The best me is creating safety I didn’t get as a kid within myself.

I want to be the strongest coping skill I have when things get hard, meaning when things get hard I don’t reach for a pill or a supplement or whatever, I pause and look inward, being able to show up for myself every time I need it. Just like you would show up for a friend in need, be able to show up for myself.

There’s beauty in the fact that I’m not my best self right now, and that I’m barely getting by. It means there’s an opportunity looming, waiting for me, an opportunity to grow, and be a better me, for me.

This whole thing has brought me here, to a place where I can be conscious and in the moment, where I can be present enough to learn self love. Where I can show myself unconditional love, because let’s face it, I got unconditional love from my dog, and no one else in this life.

Family will tell you they love you unconditionally but do they?

If my sister loved me unconditionally would she pass such judgement on me for struggling mentally?

If anyone loved me unconditionally they wouldn’t judge me.

It’s not their fault.

Society doesn’t teach us to love unconditionally.

It teaches us to love under the condition that we provide something for the person loving us, and sometimes you got nothing to give, and in those times it becomes clear that unconditional love doesn’t exist in abundance.

There may be nothing more powerful than loving yourself unconditionally, and there may be no better goal to have in life.

You had a bad day? That’s okay because you still love you

You’re not where you want to be? That’s okay because you still love you.

I have recently learned how important self love is, and I’ll say, I don’t care what opinions people have of me, because they are not the opinions I have of myself. Pass as much judgment as you want, but if you’re always judging other people, the problem is probably somewhere in you.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.