I know I said that I was doing good and that I’m happy now
Oh oh
I should’ve known that when things are going good 
That’s when I get knocked down

Oh please, just don’t ask me how I’ve been
Don’t make me play pretend
Oh no, oh no
Oh what’s the use?
Oh please, I bet everybody here is fake happy too
Oh please, I bet everybody here is fake happy too

What’s up, bitches??

I stumbled upon this song yesterday, and I fucking love it, so like any other song I really enjoy, I listened to it on repeat, and really focused on the lyrics and thought about them, and how they made me feel. These are the results and they come at the perfect fucking time.

Today was tough. Today made me wonder if I’ve been fake happy recently. Yesterday we finished our 60 mile challenge, and right after I finished I was such a sour puss. I wasn’t grateful for what I had just accomplished, or been through. I wasn’t happy about how much I learned about myself or that I feel like it might have inspired a person or two. ANYWAYS, later in the day I came around. I felt good. I even smiled at myself in the mirror for the first time in like 28 years(I am freshly 28 by the way).

Today I woke up feeling rough, raw, and lost. I felt like I didn’t have a purpose because I didn’t stick to my routine. Today I didn’t run for the second day in a month. I don’t feel good about it. If we’re being totally vulnerable, today was a day filled with passive suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to scare anyone when I say that, so let me explain a little. Passive suicidal thoughts are still serious don’t get me wrong, but what that means in simple terms, is today I thought and wondered if I’d be better off dead, if I’d be better off not being here, if it would be easier to give up. What makes these thoughts passive, is I don’t have any plans to take action on them, I don’t have a plan to do it. I made a commitment to myself, and to all of you actually, that I would never do that, and I’ll keep my word. Suicide is not the answer, quitting is not the answer. However sometimes when you have mental illness you can’t help but wonder. it’s nothing more than that. Just a curious intrusive thought. The truth is I’m not better off not being here, I have too much to accomplish and too much living to do, I’m not done yet.

On days like today, I am not disciplined. I am not motivated, and I am my own worst enemy. Which is where the thought of fake happiness comes along.

When I started my running challenge, I started making progress in being a better me, to me. And that made me feel what I thought was happiness. My mood was better overall, and sometimes during my runs, I’d just laugh. I’d smile and laugh at the fact that I went from not running at all to running a minimum of two miles a day, that I can run a 5k without even breathing heavy. I was beginning to feel powerful and like I could accomplish anything, and that made me happy, and smile, and laugh.

When I don’t have this challenge in front of me I’m not that same person. I don’t think I laughed or smiled today. It was one of the darkest days I’ve had in a minute.

Was all the happiness I felt over the last month fake?

Was I just tricking my brain into thinking I was happy, and in turn tricking all of you into thinking I was getting to a better place? Am I actually just as far behind as I’ve been?

Did my brain trick all of us through physical accomplishments that there’s a light at the end of this miserable fucking tunnel?

OR

Are things actually good and life is trying to knock me down again because things are good?

How do you tell the difference between fake happy and real happy? This is a genuine question. I don’t mean how do I tell if other people are real happy or fake happy, but what does real happy feel like? Is it something that can be put into words? Can one of you explain it to me?

I did realize that despite happy or sad, or somewhere in the middle, I am very content with the values I’ve discovered I have recently. I am good with the idea that I’m working on me, in pursuit of self love, self worth, self acceptance. All so that the love I deserve wanders into my life.

I realized something through the help of a friend today:

You don’t chase love.

You become the person you want to be, and the love that matches that will find you. I think I believe that, some really kind people have connected with me through this blog, maybe that is the beginning of the love that fits me finding me.

I also realized that soul mates are real in many forms:

Animals can be soul mates.

Soul mates can be platonic.

Soul mates can be romantic.

Hell I even think soul mates can just be another soul passing you like two ships in the night. Just a quick stop to remind of of some things you forgot, and to teach you some things you didn’t know.

All that soul mate stuff aside.

Am I fake happy?

How do I become real happy?

Do any of you know the difference?

Sometimes I wish this was like a reddit forum, where we could have conversations, because these questions are genuine. And honestly, I think some of you might have some decent answers.

If you’d like to speak about happiness, real or fake, you know where to find me.

If you can tell me the difference, please do so.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

PS Fake happy is a paramore song, maybe I like the song, maybe I just like Hayley Williams, after all unavailable women are my niche. Either way the album this song comes from is great, and there will be more blogs from it.

Til next time.