Hi

This is going to be short and sweet, and very fucking vulnerable. I just saw a reel on instagram, a place I’m really starting to loathe. It read like this:

“If your dog could have just one more moment with you, they’d tell you this. I know you miss me. I miss you too. But I need you to know, I took it all with me. Your love, Your scent, the memories, even my blankey. Thank you for giving me so much love and joy. I love you. Always have always will. I love you.”

Now let me say two things:

First: If you aren’t crying, see yourself out.

Second: This took the wind from my sails a bit.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I had to put Presley down earlier this year because of aggressive cancer. Anyone who knows me also knows, it was the single hardest day of my life(says a lot) and the single hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I haven’t been the same since. I never will be the same again.

Right before I saw this reel, since my Movember challenge is over I shaved, because I like the mustache but HATE chin hair, that shit is itchy and uncomfortable. For the first time, literally that I can ever remember, I smiled at myself in the mirror, and I walked away thinking about how weird it was, but how good it felt.

Then I saw this fucking reel, with this sad fucking music, and I’ve been crying for the last 30 minutes. For a moment right after the reel I sat up in a bit of a panic, and I felt it again. I felt that feeling of giving up, not on a run, or a person. Giving up on all of it. The only reason I didn’t take my own life on October 25th of last year is because Presley stopped me, literally. Then I found Jiu jitsu later that day and I began to feel calm, a year and change later I felt that feeling again, a feeling I know too well, a feeling I hope you don’t. I can make the commitment to anyone reading this, and my loved ones, that I would never take my own life, even in times when I want to. This past year has shown me so much beauty through so much heart break, oddly enough, I look forward to future heart break as I know it’ll come. I look forward to it because without hard times there are no good. Without love and happiness, there is no resentment and sadness.

I don’t resent my dog, it wasn’t her choice. Some days I do resent my ex. They both gave me so much happiness, but an equal amount of sadness.

I’ll share one of my favorite lyrics with you:

And then the morning came
And the sun started rising
But I was missing my friend
So, how do I carry on?

The answer: I carry on with hope, waiting for love again.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

****** IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING FROM SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, CONTACT SOMEONE YOU TRUST, OR DIAL 988. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.