Hello again,

The moment I sat down to begin writing this, I also began crying. It’s been a heavy week, and while I know today is about being grateful, I’m feeling a bit resentful.

This week has been the first “big” moments in life where both Mia, and Presley, were not here with me. Last year it was just Presley and I for the holidays, it was the first year without Mia in a good while, and while it was hard, I had Presley to count on. This year they’re both gone, and it’s harder than I could have anticipated.

This whole writing thing began because of Presley, months ago I was feeling overwhelmed and wrote a letter to Presley, I cried my fucking eyes out, and it felt so good, so relieving. A couple weeks later I wrote a second one. Again, cried my fucking eyes out, and felt relieved.

Today I’ll be doing two things:

First I’ll be writing a letter to Presley, but instead of pen and paper, I’ll write it here, with you, for us all to have.

Second, I’ll share the letters I wrote to her via pen and paper, so you can understand the progress.

This is going to such, but the relieve is on it’s way.

Dear Presley,

It’s my first thanksgiving without you or your mom, and I have to be honest, it’s overwhelmingly lonely. Last year when it was just you and I might have been my favorite holiday I ever had, things were hard because your mom was gone, but the future was bright, it was going to be you and I, and we were going to get through it together. Last year, we spent the holidays just me and you, and that was my choice. I wanted to see what it was like to be alone on holidays, because I know some many people don’t have a choice in the matter, what’s ironic is today I spent the day with your aunt and uncle, and it felt more lonely than being with just you last year. I’m torn between hoping this will get easier as the years without you go on, and not wanting it to get easier out of the fear that means my love for you is fading. Had I known last year what I know now, we would have had a much different holiday, and I’m sorry if you didnt enjoy yours because it was just us. I love you more than I’ll ever be able to understand, and I’ll see ya down the road.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

Love dad.

Well well, that was so much harder than I expected it to be, and every time I really remind myself that Presley is gone forever the anxiety is so overwhelming, because I feel trapped. That being said I’ll share the first two letters I wrote to Presley.

Letter #1

This was written on 9/11/23

Dear Presley,

I hope you’re doing okay wherever you are. I miss you and I wanted to say two thinks, maybe three. First, I’m sorry. I remember the day we found out you had cancer, because it feels like yesterday, but it wasn’t. It was 259 days ago to be exact when the vet told us, she might as well have told me I had cancer, I freaked out. I wanted to say sorry for two things, I’m so sorry you got cancer. I’ve spent the last 259 days wondering if I could have done something to prevent it. Also, I’m sorry if you suffered at any point during it. I never wanted that. I also owe you a thank you. We had a wild 5+ years together and the only part I regret is not spending more time with you. Thank you for showing me the definition of unconditional love. Thank you for being there to calm me during panic attacks, and to keep me company during times of agoraphobia. I have a lot more to say but that’s a good start. We’ll talk again soon.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

Love dad.

Letter #2

This letter was written on 9/16/23

Dear Presley,

I’m listening to underground by City and Colour. Every time I listen to this song I think back to the drive home from waltham when we got the news. This song has become like open door, I tear up every time I hear it. I just remember singing the line “Nothing will harm us, I will protect you.” to you. I failed that line and I failed you. I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you. I’m so sorry I didn’t do more for you, or choose different treatment. There’s a chance you could be here right now, but I played it safe. Last, I’m so sorry I got in the way of you spending time with your mom at the end, she may have stopped loving me, but I promise she loved you so much. I hope you forgive me. I carry pieces of you with me every day, and I always will.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

Love dad.

Signing the letters to Presley the way I did is partially how this blog got it’s name, but it’s more in the hopes that wherever she is, the skies are gold, not gray.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.