I’m tired of giving up so easy
Tired of giving up at all
Tired of giving up so easy
Tired of giving up at all

Nobody said it would be easy
Nobody said nothing at all
And I’m tired of giving up

And I’m tired of fighting
I don’t understand at all
And I’m tired of lying
Tired of trying to hide it

Welcome to the pre-holiday dread.

I hate holidays and if you do too, please know I’m here for you.

Before I started this passage I had a sort of intrusive thought, I wondered if some day, this blog won’t exist, if no blog will, if everything “creative” or “original” we read will be artificial intelligence. I certainly hope not, I think we look up to the people that are infallible, however as humans I think vulnerability is one of the only things we genuinely connect to. Anyways that’s not tonights topic.

I’ve been listening to this musician since I was, maybe 10, however old you are in the 6th/7th grade range, which reminds me of a quick side bar and fun story. Just kidding I might actually save it for it’s own post.

Anyways this is the first time I’ve heard this particular song from this artist even though it’s by no means new music. I immediately felt connected to it and it made me think a lot, it actually made me panic for a moment.

It made me wonder “Am I not as ambitious as I used to be?”

The answer is I am, I am just in this dreadful lull at the moment because of my mental health.

To me this song rings true right now, I find myself giving up on things, sometimes easily, sometimes without even trying.

I don’t want to be this person, but sometimes the things going on in my brain in the ways of anxiety, and panic, and depression, well they seem to dictate who I am, as if I no longer have autonomy of my choices, I’m a prisoner to the illness.

While I know this not to be true, some days, some days it is true, and on those days I am the hardest on myself. I tell myself I’m a loser and I’ll never be successful and I should just give up. My self talk on those days is not a good time.

The bright side?

I’m slowly grasping control of those thoughts, of those days, and I’ll tell you, when I get ahold of those days, it’s going to mean an entirely different life for me, it’s going to be an entirely different me.

I think today really came together the exact way it was supposed to.

Starting the day after a day of “celebrating” my birth, yesterday I didn’t workout, it was the first time in 21 days that I did not workout, and I’ll tell you what, it did not feel good. Working out for me is really just a 2 mile run, sometimes more, sometimes less, but usually about 2 miles. Yesterday I still did a cold plunge, because I’m proud of my record and accountability in doing the things that make me feel good, but I skipped the run and I regret it, but we can’t go back so it’s kinda escaping my mind.

Today, as I need to run 60 miles this month and I did no running yesterday, I had 3.6 to run. So we started, a mile in we felt ok.

About a mile and a half in I started to experience a bit of anxiety and took a short break to drink some water.

2.75 is where things got, well, bad. I had a full blown panic attack and needed to stop my run for probably 10 minutes to get myself together. When I started running again I told myself 3.6 and we’re done. As I hit 3 I turned up the speed on the treadmill faster I’ve ever ran for any distance, song going, I was feeling good.

3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4, what’s my pace? My pace was about 8m30s, if I could keep that I’d run my fastest mile, only I’d have to go to 4 miles instead of 3.6

So I did

I really wanted to give up so many times in this run, but especially when I hit 3.6, the run was over, I could relax, I was back on schedule.

I ran 4 miles, and despite being out of breath and so sweaty I couldn’t really see, I had the biggest smile I’ve had in a while. When I push myself physically it’s reassuring that I can push myself mentally. Hell 22 days ago the longest I had ran in a day in my entire life was about a mile. Now I’m doing 4 miles?

I set 5 personal records in this run. Longest run for time, farthest run for distance, fastest one mile, fastest 1k, fastest 5k.

Nobody said it would be easy,

Nobody said nothing at all.

I guess this is all to say:

Today is the day I stop giving up so easy, it may be the day I stop giving up at all. I think when we give up we’re missing who we could truly be.

Maybe it’s the boulder sized chip that’s always been on my shoulder, or maybe it’s just how my brain is wired now.

No more giving up, giving up isn’t going to fix it, it’s not going to make you feel better, and we’re trying to feel better, at least I am.

I want to get to the place where I feel worthy.

Worthy of love

Worthy of respect

Worthy of compassion

Worthy of setting boundaries

Worthy of having my boundaries respected

Worthy of happiness

Of joy

Of silence

Of gratitude

Of forgiveness

I think I wanna be worthy of forgiveness more than any of them, because I know I’ve made mistakes, and I don’t want my mistakes to define me, or to set people’s opinions of me. I want to show others, and myself that I’m better than past mistakes.

So here’s to the journey of finding worth.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. The story from 6th grade is when I was in 6th grade, I went to school with a girl maybe a year or two older than me, I thought she was stunning and so frickin’ cool. In 2019 we started working together and I knew I recognized her and couldn’t figure out why, through conversation we realized we went to the same school at the same time and the only reason I remembered her was because I had a giant crush on her then. I still do now, she doesn’t know though, so don’t tell anyone.