Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You dont understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

I was just sitting here, scrolling instagram, as one my age does. I came across a couple videos that really got me thinking, and feeling proud. Proud of two things specifically.

The first thing was a Kevin Hart video, not I’m not sure how I feel about Kevin Hart, I think his movies are a bit lame, and I’ve seen articles that he’s not great to his wife. This video didn’t have to do with either of these, it was a clip from when he was on The Joe Rogan Experience. Now I’ve never watched the full interview, but I’m inclined to. For those that hate on Joe Rogan, I get it, I don’t fully agree with him, but I don’t fully hate him either, if you don’t like that, bite me. Anyways in this clip Kevin was talking about how life was really hard for his dad, how his dad was a crazy drug addict, who was in and out of jail, and that when he got successful he got his dad a house and a car, etc. He did these things because at that point in his dads life his dad couldn’t keep going backwards, it was too late for him to rebuild. I don’t necessarily subscribe to it ever being too late, however when you’ve been a drug addict and in jail the cards are stacked much more against you, so I’ll subscribe here. It made me think, by no means do I have Kevin Hart’s success, nor do I want that shit. I’ve never wanted to be rich like that, I think it changes you as a person. I did think about the small things I’ve been able to do for my parents since they got sober and I became somewhat successful, by successful I really just mean having the money to live my life comfortably, which is something a lot of people are not fortunate enough to do.

My parents like to take a trip to Florida once a year, it’s a very bland trip, they can’t afford much, they may be sober, but starting over has been hard for them and by no means are they living comfortable, they live as paycheck to paycheck as it gets. This year the week before they went on their trip I was buying a new car, a process my dad refused to not be a part of. After we signed all the paperwork for me to leave with my new car I was saying buy to them. I pulled an envelope out of my pocket and handed it to them. Enough to pay their way to Florida, their hotel, their way back, and whatever they wanted to do while they were there. My dad tried to refuse the money and couldn’t look me in the eye, he walked away to cry, as if I’d think he was less of a man because he cried at that. My parents caused a lot of trauma in my life, and the burden that bares on them I can’t begin to imagine, so every time I see them and slide them some cash, it feels good, it’s my way of letting them know they don’t have to worry about me anymore, it’s my turn to take care of me, it’s my turn to help them out when I can, and that’s one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt.

Now the second video, I maybe shouldn’t be sharing about, but I’m not using names so I’m going to anyway. Someone I care about more than almost anyone is going through a hard time with anxiety and panic attacks, and asked me about it today. I immediately felt.. unwell. I’m especially sensitive to people feeling panic attacks because I know how awful they can be, I know how overwhelming it is, and I know it’s scary they may never go away. The video explained that there was a man in a hole, a doctor walks by the man asks for help out of the hole, the doctor throws a prescription down and keeps walking, then a priest comes along, the man asks for help, the priest writes a pray and throws it in the hole. Then a friend walks by, the guy shouts up, hey Joe I’m down in this hole, can you help me out? The friend jumps in the hole. The guy looks at him and says now we’re both down here are you stupid? The friend says yea but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out. Look I can’t say I know the cure to any pals struggles, but I know if one of my pals is struggling, then we struggle together, we’re in it together til we’re both out. I use the word pal specifically. During the pandemic, Dallas Green and a couple of his pals started an apparel company called Pals. Just some pals hanging out making shit together. Now they’re Canadian so I think they get away with the use of the word pals, however, ever since I saw it that word has been special to me. A pal isn’t just a friend, it’s someone you’re bound to for life, someone you’d do anything for. Presley was my best pal, as an example, and I don’t have many pals. But if one of my friends is down in a hole, so am I. that’s something I’m proud of.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. This passage was inspired by a different song, and name. I changed it at the very end, something I’ve never done. Also even if you aren’t my pal, if you’re struggling with mental health, I’ll be down in the hole with you if you need someone.