Hey

I’ve been thinking about writing a passage inspired by this song for probably a week now. My problem was that I was afraid to start, afraid to write the wrong thing.

As someone who finds inspiration from others, I found myself having the same fear as one of my favorite song writers, Dallas Green. Dallas says writing songs is really hard for him because he’s afraid of writing down the wrong thing so he writes bits at a time and tries to put them together.

Kimbra was afraid to release poems on her because she wanted them to be perfect, and thought if she kept telling herself it wasn’t ready it needed more editing, then she could applaud her work ethic instead of her fear to be vulnerable, and risk the chance of not being perfect.

I find myself somewhere between. I don’t edit these, I often don’t even read them in their entirety. I write, when I’m done I hit publish and I move on, never look at it again. I’m not going to change that now because it’s working for me, but as I get better at writing I fear writing the wrong thing, how do I make ever passage as good as what I think is my best one, or what I consider good writing? I do it by continuing to try, not by being afraid of writing the wrong thing.

So here is stick season:

I’ll admit I didn’t want to like Noah Kahan’s music, for a couple reasons. In some senses it feels like country, my ex’s new boyfriend is in a country band, so I want to hate the music, and truthfully, the country I do like is far and few between. I can’t live bitter over an entire genre because of what one person did to me, I’m too young to pull that off.

At first I tried to understand what stick season is, It turns out I’m currently experiencing stick season for the 28th time in my life, I was born in peak stick season actually, it’s my time of year. It has always been my favorite time of year, birthday aside of course, I’m not a big birthday boy.

I’ve listened to this song probably 100 times in the last week.

You must have had yourself a change of heart like
Halfway through the drive
Because your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign
Kept on drivin’ straight and left our future to the right.

My last partner, she had a change of heart halfway through the drive, in some senses I feel like she left me on the side of the road. She came back from Vegas and everything seemed normal the first couple of days, working, hanging with the dog, catching up. When my first day off came around after her being back, her voice in a strange way did trail off, I didn’t know at the time but it turns out my exit sign had come up, and she had to keep driving. I’m not mad, not anymore, I sometimes still get sad, but I think that’s probably normal. I don’t get sad because it ended, I get sad at how it did. I get sad that she couldn’t look me in the eyes and say it was over, instead gave false hope, and told me she just needed a break, she just wasn’t sure if she wanted to get married, the whole time out with another guy. I think what she doesn’t understand is had she just been open and honest, well I probably would have had an easier time accepting it, instead of driving myself to the verge of suicide, cutting myself, not sleeping, not eating, I was a wreck, all because of uncertainty, the fear that I couldn’t take care of myself. A fear I still have, but we’re working on it, getting a little better every day, being kinder to myself is a battle, some days I win it some days I lose it.

Now I am stuck between my anger and the blame that I can’t face
And memories are somethin’ even smoking weed does not replace
And I am terrified of weather ’cause I see you when it rains

Sounds like Noah and I might have similar thoughts, for a while I was stuck between anger and the blame I couldn’t face. The anger has washed away, the blame that I couldn’t face then, I still have trouble facing now. Look I know I had blame in all of this, an erratic, anxious, living in survival mode kid is what I acted like, that’s not a partner, especially not one you can commit life to. I was blocking out her perspective of everything and telling myself it would all work out, if you can’t meet someone half way on some things, because you live in fear, the relationship probably doesn’t stand a chance. I never smoked weed to cope, for a few months I was abusing Xanax instead. I had a prescription, but I wasn’t taking them as prescribed, I’d take less than prescribed on days that I worked so that on my days off I could take more and sleep the days away, sleep the pain away. I was in bad shape, and all that sleep didn’t replace the memories, it made them worse, it made me live with regret, because that whole time I was sitting around sorry for myself I could have been out with my dog who would later die of cancer. I didn’t know she had it at the time but that’s not an excuse, I wasn’t giving her the life she deserved. Hell even talking about it right now is making me dissociate where I am. I feel like I’m back in my old house when I think of those two, but I’ll never be back in that house again.

And it’s half my fault, but I just like to play the victim
I’ll drink alcohol ’til my friends come home for Christmas

It’s probably a little more than half my fault, but this is the first time I’ve admitted that. Normally I loveeeee to play the victim, to pretend I could do no wrong, perfect me make a mistake? Never. I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t have any friends coming home for Christmas, but my version of that is I’ll take my meds until the skies are gold again. The skies have been gray a lot of the last year, during spring they started to turn gold again, it felt like the storm was over, July 1st the second wave rolled in off the ocean, and greeted me with an ass kicking I wasn’t prepared for, as I navigate through it, I just wait for lighter days ahead.

So I thought that if I piled something good on all my bad
That I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad
No, I am no longer funny ’cause I miss the way you laugh
You once called me forever now you still can’t call me back.

I piled something good on all the bad, but it didn’t cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad. Amidst the first wave of the storm, I applied for a new job, a job I argued was my dream job, and I fucking got it, I finally had something good to try to cancel out the bad. A couple weeks into that new job Presley took a turn for the worse and it was time to put her down. I didn’t let that slow me down, this new job was where I belonged, the people around me I belonged with, I hope to return to that job when this storm is over, some days I wonder if the storm ever ends, but I’ve been in storms before and I know the sun will shine again. I did inherit my negative attitude from my dad, I’m about to say a lot of negative things about my dad, but I love him, he’s flawed like the rest of us, and he’s done some really bad shit, but there are times I think back to and I know deep inside he’s not a bad guy. One example that he’s good is when I was going through my break up I called him and told him I was having uncomfortable thoughts, he got to my house faster than possible following traffic laws, he sat on the couch and he just hugged me and let me cry, he said I could go to sleep and he’d stay, and keep me safe. Now I have to ruin that feel good moment and say, where was he to keep me safe as a kid? my dad became addicted to drugs when I was 7. He put me in some scary and uncomfortable places throughout his time, some days I wonder if I’ve actually forgiven him, then I cry and feel guilty if I don’t forgive him. One of the last, kindest things Mia ever said to me was about my dad. My dad is angry, and controlling, and a little bit nuts. It’s not fair to my mom in some ways she’s a prisoner to him. Mia and I were having a conversation and I cried and said I can’t believe I’ve become like my dad, the miserable guy who doesn’t wanna do anything, she assured me I was nothing like my dad, and that I was a much better man just going through a hard time. Some days I wonder which is true. I’m not the controlling type though I used to be, I learned it wasn’t for me and if I wasn’t going to trust someone to do their thing in a relationship why should I be with them? One of the proudest things I’ve learned over the years.

Oh, that’ll have to do
My other half was you
I hope this pain’s just passin’ through
But I doubt it

That’ll have to do, for this story at least. My other half was Mia, my other half was Presley, truthfully, I wasn’t a person at all during the end of that relationship, those two are what kept me going, kept me alive, kept me on course. As I lost Mia I began to lose control, Presley reined me in, as I lost Presley, I am here spiraling again. I hope this pain is passing, and unlike Noah I know it is. Nothing is forever, this pain will pass, I’ll go on to love again, I’ll probably even be here again, in the season of the stick. Hopefully a little better in the next.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. I know this is really long, if you’ve made it to the end, thanks for being here.