Hello!

It’s not often someone tells me I need to write about something, and I not only agree, but decide it’s important. Actually this is the first time. There is a first time for everything though, so I guess we’ll rip the bandaid off.

Have you ever gotten out of a long term relationship and started seeing things in a new light? Even seeing people completely different, some as strangers, others more familiar than ever.

It’s been a heavy year, but I’m coming out of the worst of it, and I’ve had a lot of realizations, a lot of things I want to change, and honestly, I feel found.

What does it feel like to be found?

I feel more sure of myself, my beliefs, wants, needs, etc.

There’s a certain contentment in feeling found, and content is a feeling I’m not comfortable with. I’m not comfortable with content because I’ve been in fight or flight for so long that when things don’t feel chaotic, I don’t feel right, I feel off, uncomfortable, nervous. How ironic my nervous system is. When things are safe, I panic, when things are chaotic, I’m like a fucking swan. Majestic, only chaotic under the surface of the water where no one can see.

With finding myself came a hard truth, someone in my life, who’s been in it a long time, looks different now, feels different now. And this is where I come to unload that weight. See I have a tendency to be a bit shy, a bit crippled by the fear of rejection, so why not write. Maybe she’ll read it, maybe she won’t, either way I’m hoping to no longer feel the weight.

This person has always been special, but years later, I see her different. Kind, genuine, loving, caring, only displaying the finest qualities, someone were all lucky to live amongst. Someone who cares about people, is curious, wants to learn things. I’ll stop before I start blushing.

I’m not sure I’ve ever been this enamored with someone, so taken in, so intrigued, full of curiosity, full of questions. What her favorite color is, where she sees herself in 5 or 10 years, favorite food? Does she want any pets? Does she want kids? That would be a bummer haha.

Anyways, I picked yet another Kimbra song for this blog, since this new feeling, seems to be my new habit. A few lines from the song are below. I highly recommend it.

Is it a bad cycle,

To need your love for my survival?

Downward spiral,

Keep taking candy from you like a child.

So much passion, the passion is taking action

It’s a circular, circular, circular reaction

You’re my new fashion,

New passion,

You keep it ice-cold.

Baby you’re the kind of trend that never gets old,

Cause you’re my new habit,

I aint mad at it.

Thanks for being here.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.