Hello again,

Before beginning to write this I realized I have already used this title, I should go back and read it I wonder if I’m going to write about the same thing right now. I had someone recently say to me, how are you supposed to ask someone to hangout when you can’t even make it to a job?

As you can imagine I was immediately furious, I responded cordially and went to bed. This morning I woke up with that still on my mind, I messaged the person and said “you know a job isn’t the only important thing in life”. I’ll have you their response and just get into the important part.

American society, sets you up your whole life to believe your value is based on your job, and how hard you work. Spoiler alert: It actually doesn’t fucking matter how hard you work, or what you do for work. Don’t get me wrong I love working, I actually think I love working too much, I’ve made it such a part of my identity that when I’m going through phases of crisis like I am now, I don’t know who I am without it. Who am I without hospitality? Who am I if I can’t take care of others? What good am I if I can’t make it to a job?

Well the answer to that is, I’m a person. I’m a human being, a complex life form, with bizarre emotions, and a complicated brain, and a nervous system that was destroyed as a kid.

Have you ever lost someone you loved?

Was their work ethic or what they did for a living even in the top 100 things you thought of first when you got the news?

I bet the fuck not.

I apologize for any foul language, I usually try to level myself out before writing these passages, and today I’m writing from a place of emotion, intense emotion.

Have you ever missed out on something big because of work and thought, I’m glad I was working instead?

I’m sure you haven’t.

See like I wrote about the other day, we don’t remember everything in life, we remember moments. You know what working a lot does?

It takes away opportunities to create moments.

When I knew I had to put Presley down, I didn’t take the day before or the day after off, and for anyone thinking it’s just a dog, go fuck yourself. I mean that. It wasn’t just a dog, she wasn’t just a dog, she was a member of my family, she was my child, I loved her more than I’ve ever loved anything, and she taught me more than any human I’ve come across in my 28 years living.

When I walked out of the building, holding her toys, lost, walking to my car, you know what the first thing I thought was?

Man I wish after I found out she had cancer I worked less, I wish I took more days off, I wish I went to jiu jitsu less, and spent more time with her.

Now jiu jitsu is the only part of that I don’t actually beat myself up over, because at the time it was keeping me alive, it was one of the only things keeping me from taking my own life.

Work on the other hand, so I would have made less money if I had taken more days off to be with her.

You know what’s more valuable than money? Most fucking things.

Connection.

Love.

Moments

Health

Mental health

Community

Gratitude

Friends

Family

Happiness

Knowledge

Life experiences

Freedom

Those are all more important than money, those are all more important than work.

When I die no one is going to say, you know he was a good bartender. They’re going to remember me as a person, my qualities.

When you die no one is ever going to say you know, they were great at what they did for a living. It no longer matters, what matters is how you treated people, how you were to your friends, what kind of person you were.

If I died today, my last thoughts wouldn’t be “Fuck I never get to bartend again”

My thoughts would be

Fuck, I never get to love again.

Fuck, I hope the people I love are okay in my absence.

Fuck, I never get to take care of another dog

I never get to take care of another person

I never get another first kiss

First date

I never get to build connection with people again

I never get to help my community

I never get to learn anything new.

We all choose to care about different things, that’s one of our rights.

I’m glad work isn’t the most important to me.

It doesn’t change how much I love my job, how much I miss my job, how much I can’t wait to go back to it.

But in this phase of agoraphobia I’ve also learned, I can’t wait to get another dog, I can’t wait to give love, to receive love, I can’t wait to just be out in the world.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.