Welcome to day 3 of November. What a fucking month it’s already been. We’re running, we’re finding routine, and for the first time in a long fucking time, it feels like it’s all gonna work out. Who would have thought?

If you read my last blog, you know I’m running 60 miles this month, in honor of the 60 men who kill themselves per hour globally, we’re roughly 8 miles in. Vibes are higher than I could have hoped for honestly. I’m waking up earlier, I have more energy, I consistently feel better, more alive.

All that said, this blog will have some ups, and some downs, because who can live without them? Buckle up.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor, not like primary care, but like the woman who prescribes my anxiety medication and checks in on me every two weeks. That conversation was….. Interesting. She gave me a hard time for being hard on myself. She says I’m simply too hard on myself and it can’t continue. Is she right? probably. Will it continue? Well that remains to be seen. I told her we needed to change my medication because I’m not where I’m supposed to be. She asked what I meant and this is what I said:

I’m supposed to be back to work. My boss opened the new restaurant to the public yesterday, I should have been there. I should be a part of the opening team, I should be helping to work the kinks out, I should have been at friends and family. My family should have been at friends and family. My work is my purpose, and I’m fucking sick of not being able to do it because of how I feel. She responded with an interesting question that both confused me and left me speechless.

“You said you’re supposed to be there. Says who?”

Well, says me. That’s where I wanna be and that’s what I wanna be doing and the fact that I’m not back to work isn’t good enough for me.

“You’re too hard on yourself, why are you supposed to be there? What makes you feel that way?”

Because hospitality gives me a feeling nothing else has in life, and maybe that’s unhealthy because it’s also my job, but the feeling you get, from all the things you’re doing that people don’t even realize, it’s amazing. I’ve spoken recently about how beautiful working in a restaurant can be so I won’t drag on with the details again. I simply said look, when I’m proud of something I’ve done, that sense of pride makes me uncomfortable. And I’m awkward so when people thank me for things I do, it makes me uncomfortable, sometimes I don’t even know how to respond so I just awkwardly smile. The things I love about restaurants are all the things you don’t get thanked for. Juicing citrus, cleaning glasses, stocking the bar, cleaning the bar before open and after close. Getting ice, making sure all your syrups are fresh and full, no one sits down at a bar and says hey I wanted to say thanks for juicing the lemon in my cocktail, which I prefer. It gives me a feeling nothing ever has, a love I’ve never found elsewhere in life. Truthfully it’s a love that had a part in ending my last relationship, and it’ll be a love that has the potential to sour future relationships. As long as I have restaurants I don’t really need anything else, maybe a dog.

It soured my last relationship because last year I was supposed to get married on December 18th, a Sunday. One night sitting on the couch my fiancé at the time said, would you wanna go to Portland Maine for a few days after the wedding as like a mini honeymoon until we decide what we’re really going to do? My response? It depends what my work schedule is. Hah you fucking idiot. That is the last thing you say to a woman, especially one you’re wanting to spend the rest of your life with. It’s true though, Work has always been number one priority, it was then, it is now, it will be in the future.

I think my doctor sort of put a pin in exactly why I feel the way I do about my work. There’s so many things to focus on that at any given time while you’re working you’re genuinely living in the moment, when you work, because of the detail you pay attention to, there is no past, there is no future, there is then and there. She got me. Could it be the feeling I’ve been trying to find in other facets of life is simply.. Living in the moment? Could it be that simple?

I think it could be, and honestly it’s been haunting me for the last 24 hours. Could the key to happiness for me be as simple as learning to live in the moment? To not focus on the past, or future, but right here, right now, the guest in front of me so to speak?

When I think about that, I realize something, I realize a couple things. One: that is certainly why I love restaurants, because during your shift, life doesn’t feel so heavy. Two: the only other thing that ever brought me to the present was Presley, when I was playing with her or really focusing on her, I was in the moment and grounded.

So here’s the hard part, I currently don’t have any of the things that keep me in the moment. Jiu jitsu, my job, my dog. On the bright side I can get two of them back if I work hard enough, but I think the work actually means looking for more things that make me live in the moment. What a bizarre thought.

My doctor and I also discussed why it’s so important to me that I get back to work, this one is a major problem: self-worth, confidence, whatever you want to call it.

I’ve never really felt good at anything in life, sports, School, whatever.

Restaurants?

Restaurants I have the confidence to say I’m not just good at, I’m fucking great. I have learned from some of the best Boston has to offer, I still do. In that I’ve learned to be one of the best, I’m sure that sounds arrogant, but I don’t care. I am fucking great at hospitality, and the actual service aspect of restaurants.

Not working has not only taken away my purpose in life, it’s taken away my confidence. In a restaurant as an employee is the only place I’m confident. I feel good about myself, I know my worth, I don’t think I’m enough, in a restaurant I KNOW I’m more than good enough.

So where does all this leave me?

Confused.

I have multiple things I have to do at the same time, and some of them contradict each other.

I need to get back to work while realizing, it’s not the only thing in life that fulfills me.

I need to learn to live more in the moment, not just while I work.

And I need to take it easy on myself goddammit.

Usually I start these blogs with the lyrics of the song that either inspired them, or I listened to while I wrote it. Tonight it’s what I end with.

As long as I’m alive, I get to start again,

Leave, but leave nothing undone, and fly away,

I’m burning my candles at both ends,

Since we turned from lovers into friends.

Pinkies up!

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. Let me know if you’re reading. Send me a text, a dm, an email. Part of this blog is to connect, as we all try to navigate life.