Welcome to November, men’s health month. This month is important to me, for a variety of reasons, but mostly because it’s an opportunity to talk about men’s health, specifically mental health for me personally. Mental health is obviously an important thing to me, hell it’s in part why I started this blog. This year I’ve decided to participate in Movember. I’ll be running 60 miles this month, in honor of the 60 men globally that take their own lives per hour. Last year I was almost one of those men. I was so close to becoming one of these statistics that thinking about it now gives me the chills.

I’ve never been a runner, I’ve never been someone who exercises at all. I’m slowly finding my way into exercise and realizing it helps me tremendously. It makes me feel more confident, it helps ease the racing thoughts, it gives me rushes of dopamine. My favorite exercise is Jiu Jitsu, unfortunately I haven’t been able to train in a good while. The last class I took was some time in March, I remember because I was spiraling from Presleys death. I’m still in that spiral.

Anyways I started running because I have a treadmill, so it’s a workout I can do without leaving the house, something I’ve been struggling with the last few months.

I’m hoping committing to running 60 miles will help me build routine, and help me get out of this fucking rut. I may not actually have plans for suicide, but I still struggle with suicidal ideation. It’s passive, and I’m so thankful for that, but some days I feel low and it sneaks up on me.

I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be trapped anymore. I don’t want to be stuck with the terrible memories, the trauma, the anxiety, the depression. Sometimes the easy way out is intriguing. No more suffering and I’d get to reunite with Presley?

I’d never do it. I heard a quote once, “never underestimate the hole your absence would leave.” Even if I don’t think a lot of myself, or feel like I’m enough there are people that do think I’m enough, at least that’s what I tell myself.

Today is day 1. I ran 3.2 miles, I did a cold plunge. Vibes were pretty high honestly, until after dinner. After dinner I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in a minute. It’s actually what made me decide to write. I figured if I wrote about what’s going on and how important this month is, how I’m feeling, maybe the anxiety and panic would go away. It worked, the anxiety has subsided, though I think depression took it’s place.

Time to focus on positivity. This month is important. It’s time to start beating the anxiety, and get my life back.

Pinkies up!

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. If you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for caring about what I have to say, you help me feel less alone. If you’re reading this let me know, shoot me a text or a dm. We don’t have to have a conversation about it, just curious who I should be going out of my way to support, in the way you do for me.