I’m another day late and one year older,

It’s failure by design.

Earlier today I had a moment where I didn’t think I had anything to write about for my Thursday long blog. The good news is life knows how to kick you when you’re down, a little perusing instagram and boom! I found something to make me feel like shit. This isn’t a self pity party, in my mind I deserve to feel like shit, and yes I know that’s not the correct narrative.

122 days since my last successful shift at work, anyone that knows me knows two things. 1. That isn’t like me. 2. I must be going fucking nuts. I know life works out the way it’s supposed to and things will be fine but honestly? Things don’t feel fine, I don’t feel okay about things. Last conversation I had with TSG I was going to start supervising one day a week at Alcove, to start getting to know the systems so I could eventually manage full time. I was pumped, as much as Tom(TSG) can be a hard ass, he really is one of the best when it comes to hospitality in Boston, I couldn’t wait to be one of his guys. I was reading books and soaking in all I could so he’d see the value I could bring to him, Alcove, and hopefully, Hook + Line.

Tonight is friends and family at H+L. For those who don’t work in restaurants or have never opened one, Friends and family is your soft launch, invite only. You invite your friends, family, contractors, liquor reps, etc. into your business to enjoy drinks and food on the house. It’s like dress rehearsal for the staff, and a moment for leaders to sort out kinks. What temperature should the thermostat be set to? How dim should the lights be? Music? Too loud? Too quiet? Too slow or too fast? Not only do you answer these questions but you pay close attention to the room, How is the flow of the room? is your staff doing a dance or do they look like chickens with their heads cut off? How’s the pass? Is food leaving the kitchen in a timely manner, looking good, being dropped in front of the right guest, the right way, at the right table? What about drinks? Is your service bartender working fast enough, while remaining calm, and consistent? Are the drinks being made proper, with garnishes to catch a guests eye?

Fuck. I love opening restaurants, I love restaurants in general. All I wrote about are what help my brain tick while I work, it’s why I’m more relaxed working than I am sitting here writing this blog. I shouldn’t be here, I should be there, figuring out the kinks.

So why aren’t I?

Because I’m a failure. I’ve allowed my anxiety to get the best of me, I let all the hardship of the last year take me down. I crumbled under the pressure and pain. I finally found my home, where I was supposed to be, even on days that I hated it, I loved it. Alcove was detail oriented, Tom was detail oriented. I bet H+L is beautiful, I bet he didn’t miss one detail in the build out. I may never get to find out, because I failed. I let him down, I let the team I wanted to lead down. I let myself down.

Where do I go from here?

Do I stand a shot at going back?

If I do go back will TSG ever have faith and trust in me?

Will I ever be able to grow the way I was supposed to?

This was like my golden ticket. I was Charlie. A poor kid who finally caught a break. Tom was showing me around and this is how I was gonna own my own chocolate factory some day. Of course I wasn’t looking to open a chocolate factory, I mean it as a restaurant. Tom and Alcove were where I’d get the knowledge needed to open my own restaurant, a dream I’ve had since I was 18.

For the first time in my life, I’m currently knocked down and I don’t know that I can get back up. I’m in such an ass backwards routine and it feels like there’s no way out. I feel stuck. That stuck feeling is making me afraid.

I used to be quite resilient. I went through all I went through in childhood, and high school, and still when I got my first real job at 18 I said I’d buy a house by 25. I did it at 24. I had everything I wanted a year and a half ago. I fucked it up. I don’t know how to rebuild. At 26, I owned a home, had the best dog, and had a fiancé I loved dearly.

Now 3 weeks from 28, I sold the house, the dog is dead, the fiancé is gone. I live with my sister and brother in law. Drifting through the tide, in a ship without a sail.

I guess I’ll hang on tight and try to break this fucking curse.

Pinkies up,

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.