Tonight’s lunar eclipse, whatever the fuck that means. The people that believe in this stuff say this full moon is about finality. What better time to write to myself and face some old emotions and end them for good.

Dear Jordan,

That weird stomach ache feeling you used to get as a kid, it wasn’t in your head. That feeling was fear, true visceral fear. The reason you felt this fear, is because your caregivers AKA your parents, they didn’t do their job. Them not doing their job haunted you then, and haunts you still today. You were a fucking child when they started doing drugs, the things you saw, the things you had to do, was pure survival. The definition of fight or flight. Future Jordan is here to tell you something; Take a deep breath, you’re safe now. Everything is going to be okay. I promise. I wish I could have given this to you when you needed it, but I didn’t know what I know now. I didn’t know that it would end with your sister rescuing you. I didn’t know why it was happening, or that it wasn’t normal. I’m sorry that trauma stays with you now. There’s still work to be done to undo the unhealthy coping skills, but I have the best news! Despite how it’s felt the last 20 years, it is going to be okay. You are going to be okay. That time is over, relax a little, kid. The worst is over. What your parents did to you isn’t normal, seeing drugs, needles, and crime at such a young age isn’t normal. It wired your brain a little different than other peoples, and so now we have to rewire, the great news is, it’s never too late to start switching bad habits for good one. Your parents did the best they could with their situation, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love you, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve kindness. It just means there’s going to be an abundance of it in the future. Relax baby boy, it’s over.

Hello reader, this is present day Jordan speaking present day now.

What you just read could be confusing so here’s a small bit of back story;

When I was around 7 or 8 my parents got addicted to pills, they lost the house, they lost everything. Eventually pills turned to heroine, Eventually work turned to crime. Eventually siblings became parents. There was some real awful shit in there and it fucked me up, I wish it didn’t. For a long time I denied that it did, but it did. That’s my childhood in a nutshell.

Now here I am an adult, 27 years old, 28 in a few weeks actually. I’ve realized it’s time for some serious change in behavior, emotions, a total overhaul really. When I was in high school, maybe 16 I was choked and robbed, that along with a childhood of fucked up shit led to me experiencing these weird “episodes” is what I called them at first. They are actually called panic attacks. They were just moments of overwhelming fear, with a bunch of physical sensations attached. This led me to being afraid that if I left the house I’d have one, so I slowly stopped leaving the house. I spent a while in the house the first time around. My sister had moved to chicago and I was back with my parents, who were in recovery. I began to feel unsafe again. Eventually my parents brought me to some creepy fucking shrink(I don’t like that word but I’m using it here, get over it). He was a fucking creep because when you went into his office he had hundreds of clocks on the walls, and he’d sit there in his suit with gold cuff links and just not really talk, a real fucking weirdo. Anyways he put me on medication and suddenly the panic attacks were over, I was leaving the house again.

Little did I know that when I was 19 it would start again, and a few more times that lead me to present day. Today is day 117 of not really leaving the house, I’ve been getting better over the last two weeks, but not great still. This is one of the behaviors that id like to stop with this fucking moon.

Here’s a full list of what I’d like to change with this moon:

Stop being afraid to leave the house

Learn to work with anxiety and not let it control me.

Learn to talk about my feelings openly.

Stop oversharing.

Learn to see boundaries people set, and RESPECT them.

Learn to set my own boundaries.

Learn healthy relationships.

Figure out how to have a relationship with my parents that doesn’t involve resentment.

Stop the idea that I can’t leave the house.

Forgive myself for Presleys death.

Stop the idea that just because I had a panic attack somewhere before means I will there again.

Learn better sleeping habits.

Exercise more consistently.

Learn gratitude.

Learn to meditate.

Be the fucking person I actually want instead of allowing myself to self sabotage.

I apologize for this long list, moon. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’m willing to do the work if you’ll give me the chance.

Tomorrow I’m going to wake up, Apologize to people for overstepping, get on good terms with the people I want in my life, and hopefully have a really great rest of the year.

I deserve love.

You deserve love.

I deserve respect.

You deserve respect.

We all deserve happiness and joy in life, let’s find more of it together.

Pinkies up!

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.