Every time I’m leaving on you

You don’t make it easy, no

Wish I could be there for you

Give me a reason to

Every time I’m walking out

I can hear you telling me to turn around

Fighting for my trust and you won’t back down

Even if we gotta risk it all right now

I know you’re scared of the unknown

You don’t wanna be alone

I know I always come and go

But it’s out of my control

And you’ll be left in the dust

Unless I stuck by ya

You’re the sunflower

I think your love would be too much

Well this is certainly a different tune than my other “sunflower” blog has. Some of the words I put are more or less filler, some of them really resonate.

In my own way I do always come and go, and it is out of my control to a degree. Having anxiety and agoraphobia makes it hard to be consistent in how I act, how my mood is.

I’ve been given a world of hard times by people in my life that I need to be more consistent, the truth is I just don’t know how to be, in a lot of ways I think I let my feelings flow and I act accordingly, where as a lot of people try to suppress what they’re feeling, hide from it, hide it from others. I have no problem sharing what I’m feeling. Maybe even a little too much. I know it’s not fair to the people around me but I’m learning, its not easy for me either.

I could understand not wanting to be alone, does anyone want to be alone? I certainly don’t a majority of the time. I actually have the hardest time being alone when I sleep. I have these awful nocturnal panic attacks and when you wake up alone, it’s terrible not having someone there to tell you you’re not gonna die. I’ve actually never woke up a partner having one of those, I’ve never felt comfortable enough to wake someone up and admit my vulnerability in that moment. They usually end with me not sleeping the rest of the night after that point instead. All I ever want in that moment is to be held, what a vulnerable thing to say, yuck.

I don’t actually think your love would be too much, I think it’s probably the exact love I’ve been looking for in life. The understanding kind, the gentle, patient and caring kind. The unconditional kind that just wants to help me feel my best. I don’t know that anyone’s love could be too much for me, I’m a hopeless romantic who feels and cares too much.

You’re the sunflower.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.