When you’re dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part.

You roll out of bed, and down on to your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No, she’s not

Cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

I have to admit something very embarrassing, even more embarrassing than writing a blog inspired by a fucking John Mayer song. I learned of this song because I listened to the episode of him on “Call Her Daddy”. Yikes, we’re off to a rough start.

I remember him playing this song and talking about why he wrote it really resonated with me though.

He woke up one day after having a dream about someone, and had a crush on them for the rest of the day. He mentioned sometimes it’s someone he doesn’t even know that well and he’s fully in love for the day. He says the feeling gets better as you get older. Truthfully, I can’t wait.

Recently I’ve been having dreams about someone and waking up with this sense of like a nostalgic crush. It’s happened a few times over the last week. I think it’s so great.

It’s a feeling that is both good and bad at the same time, but it’s a feeling you really can’t replace, Something about it brings me great joy, even through the pain of realizing this person is not available, or doesn’t know how you feel, or how you feel wouldn’t change it because the feelings are from a fucking dream.

It just reminds me of like, as you first get to know someone, how great that experience is to learn about someone.

For me this process can be tricky because I’m less interested in what your favorite colour is, though I would still love to know. I’m more interested in what metaphorically keeps you up at night, or literally. I wanna get into the deep details, the things that really matter, I’ve changed my favorite colour, but I don’t get to decide what’s keeping me up on a given night.

I guess for me that’s always been a great experience because I don’t drink, I can’t hide behind the alcohol. I have to just be honest, express my feelings, express my anxietys.

When you find someone that accommodates your anxietys you’ve found a winner, regardless of what role they play in your life, that’s an intimate and really cool experience.

Those are the people you really wanna skip the “free trial” questions with and get straight into it.

That feeling of a crush is something I live for, I arguably get them too often, and I always get them for unavailable people. Maybe that’s my trauma trying to protect me from heart break.

When my engagement ended I thought I wouldn’t look for love again because I didn’t want it, because it didn’t feel meant for me.

While I’m in no rush, I do think love is coming at some point, even if it starts as just friends.

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand? or whatever your favorite flower is? Sunflowers?

And would you get them if I did?

No you won’t,

Cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart,

The waking up is the hardest part.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.