These days won’t last, this too shall pass. The pain won’t linger on. Through dust and dark, the seed, the spark. Crying in this lonely parking lot. it’s easier to love someone else, than it is to be kind to yourself. What’s harder is to let someone in, you loved me when I couldn’t love myself.

I didn’t in a lonely parking lot, but I am crying right now. 101 days of struggling to leave the house, today was my best day in 101. So why am I crying? Well it’s not tears of joy.

Since I started my new medication regimen a couple weeks ago the anxiety has slowly been lifting like the morning fog. Today I was sure I’d make the 1.7 mile bike ride to a Jiu Jitsu academy close to where I live so I could begin to get some level of routine back. 1.2 miles in to the ride I gave up. I turned around and went home. GPS time to Jiu Jitsu: 2 minutes. GPS time home: 8 minutes. Why did I decide the longer of the two options? Why did I give up?

The hard days are becoming easier, they’re beginning to pass. The pain though? it’s lingering. Barely over a year, the pain still feels like it’s yesterday. I’ve lost all the unconditional love in my life over the last year, and here I spiral without it. As I write this I’m looking at a picture of Presley and her paw prints. Set backs were easier with her around, because even if I failed she was happy to see me. And you? If you saw me like this you’d say “it’s ok bug, it’s gonna be fine, you need to relax.” Even if I didn’t want to relax I would, your voice would calm me, something of a lullaby.

I’ve always had an easy time building people up, until it’s time to build myself up. For some reason I’d rather tear myself down. 2 fucking minutes. I was 2 minutes from my goal. I gave up. I think about what I would say to someone else who was in my shoes, it’s the opposite of what I’m telling myself. Why can’t I love myself?

I’m beginning to believe I have bigger problems than I ever thought. How can I have such an easy time supporting others, offering them hope, and being left with no encouraging words for myself?

I block things out, I feel like I don’t know how to process emotions in a healthy way. Should I still be struggling this much a year after you left?

I guess it’s only fair I struggle like this still, I made you my whole world, and I failed you. I’ve failed a lot of the closest people in my life, and all I really want is redemption. How can I be all that you need me to be?

It’s almost the 6 year anniversary of bringing Presley home. I wish she was here right now, she always knew how to make things feel okay, without actually doing anything.

It’s been dark for days, sans Soleil.

It’s lonely in the city by myself.

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.