I would leave if only I could find a reason. I’m mean because I grew up in New England. I got dreams, but I can’t make myself believe them. Spend the rest of my life with what could’ve been.

If you told me at any point before today that I’d be writing a blog and a Noah Kahan song was tied into it, I’d tell you to fuck off. I already knew what I wanted to write this blog about, but I didn’t have the song to go with it. For consistency sake I had to search a little to find a song that felt like it made sense with what’s on my mind.

I’ve been in this agoraphobic rut for 99 days today. I left the house yesterday and damn it felt good. Today I woke up with a migraine and felt like I got shot with a tranquilizer dart. I slept later than I should have, I know that I’m not an idiot. I don’t think I’m going to have a major set back because I slept more than I should have. Apparently my sister doesn’t feel the same way.

I moved in with her after Presley’s death. In the wake of the death of my best friend, and a break up that really fucked me up, I was selling my house and decided I’d stay with her until I decided what I wanted to do. Now I sit here and regret my decision to do so.

My sister raised me from 7th grade on, and obviously I can’t express how thankful I am for that. Without her who knows where I would be. Sometimes I think I need sister not a mom figure though.

I regret my choice to move here because she’s always giving me a hard time about my mental health and telling me what I’m doing isn’t what’s best. I’d argue that she can’t really tell me what’s best for me, only I can tell me what’s best for me. No one else knows what I feel inside or what I’m actually experiencing. Not to mention she doesn’t handle her own mental health well.

It’s been hard for me. I thought it would be great to live with my sister again, and with my brother in law for the first time. I didn’t think it would create a strain in the relationship between us.

Not only is it straining our relationship, it’s adding stress that won’t help me recover from this stint of agoraphobia. How am I supposed to have less anxiety when I’m always being told what I’m doing is wrong? And if you’ve never personally experienced something how could you know what’s right or wrong to treat it?

All she cares about is me going back to work, and believe me I can’t fucking wait to be back to work. Hospitality is my life, it’s what I’ve been doing since I was 18 and it makes me feel good. At the same time the first thing I do upon leaving the house can’t be return to work. I can’t go from not leaving the house for 99 days to working 10 hour shifts 5 or 6 days a week. As much as I’d love to do that it’s not sustainable and will only bring me back to where I am. I’d like to be leaving the house for a couple of weeks before I return to work. Go to Jiu Jitsu a couple times. Find my groove again.

I think it’s a difference of opinion to some degree. I value working, I enjoy working, but it’s not the only thing there is in life. Me treating it like it’s the only thing in life is how I ended up here in the first place. I never wanna come back to the place I’ve been in for the last 99 days and in order to do that, I need to choose my next steps carefully. Not to mention I need to be the one to choose the steps. Someone can’t decide for me the best course of action to get me back where I need to be.

I guess I’ve found my reason to leave, I just can’t yet. What does leaving mean? Does it mean moving into my own place? Does it mean leaving New England and all this shit energy behind?

It’s funny Noah mentions him being mean is because he’s from New England. To some degree I don’t think he’s wrong, people here are mean. After last nights blog I realized for a long time I was mean, I was really shitty, and it took longer than it should have to take responsibility for my part in all that.

I do have dreams, and a lot of days I have a hard time getting myself to believe them, or at least believe that they’re achievable, that I’m worthy of them. Part of that also goes to my sister who certainly believes some dreams are too big. I never really have, I guess that thought has hijacked what I used to believe.

I am afraid that if I stick around I’ll spend the rest of my life with what could have been, because my sister insists I play it safe.

Are you allowed to create space from someone who gave up so much for you? That was then. Now I’m not sure I’ve grown up to see the world the same as her. It can be exhausting. How do I get away and not feel guilty?

Where the skies are gold not gray, J.